Bank Notes To Feature Animals, Mainly To Distract People From Their Balances
The Bank of England has unveiled four creatures for its nature-themed redesign, prompting the animals to demand better lighting and dental cover.
LONDON, The Bank of England has unveiled four creatures for its nature-themed banknotes, giving people something to inspect while their available balance quietly worsens.
Shoppers, commuters and one exhausted cashier welcomed the plan. A small animal, they agreed, gives the steady evaporation of a life’s savings a slightly more personal feel. Several people held notes to the light and asked whether the creature pictured had views on energy bills.
The animals organised within hours. They formed the United Collective of Illustrative Currency Fauna, or UNICORN, after learning that millions of copies of their faces would circulate without anyone asking about flattering angles, paper texture or whether Britain preferred their left side. Mavis Quill, a hedgehog, now serves as Senior Negotiator for Prickly Assets.
“We will not be smiling through a recession.”
“We are delighted to support the economy, but we will not be smiling through a recession,” Quill said from beneath a miniature conference table. “Our demands are modest: a chair, a lunch break and the right to be replaced by a tasteful landscape if the public keeps folding us into trouser pockets.”
The issue goes beyond portraiture. Banknotes are crumpled, sat on, fed into machines of unclear purpose and handed to children, who swap them at once for sticky sweets. A turtle from the Committee for Slow, Deliberate Spending has requested a tiny emotional-support sleeve on every note.
The Banknote Welfare Office, a fictional department somewhere between the cashpoint and the lost-property desk, has introduced a security system based on feelings. Notes will become slightly warm when appreciated. They will also refuse to leave wallets owned by anyone who says “It’s only a little purchase” more than three times in an afternoon.
Economists see trouble ahead if the animals start giving financial advice. The owl already has, opening a midnight consultancy called Hoot Wealth. Its first recommendation was to diversify into acorns, moonlight and a goose with an unusual level of confidence.
At the time of writing, the new notes were flat, legal tender and unable to think for themselves. Apart from one tenner, which appeared to sigh beside a restaurant receipt. The animal representatives said talks would continue until every note carried a small message: “Please stop calling this an emergency purchase.”