Tech
Disruption, mostly of your afternoon.
Streaming Guide Solves Fragmentation By Launching Service For Its Service
A platform created to help viewers find shows has unveiled a second platform to help them find the first platform.
JustWatch Launches A Streaming Service To Solve The Streaming Service Problem
The streaming guide has responded to platform overload by adding another platform, with ads, rentals and a subscription for people seeking peace.
Streaming Guide Ends Fragmentation By Becoming Another Streaming Service
JustWatch TV promises to simplify streaming, then immediately hands viewers a second remote and a form requiring three forms of identification.
Cryptic Crossword Victory Prompts Immediate Unionisation Of All Clues
After AI program Darmok solved the Times competition's final puzzle, the clues formed a bargaining unit and demanded weekends off.
Googlebook Review: Luxury Laptops Combine Two Operating Systems’ Worst Habits
New premium Googlebooks promise seamless ChromeOS and Android integration, provided users enjoy paying twice to troubleshoot once.
Batteries Asked To Reduce Emissions By Taking More Time Off
A study finds that using fewer, longer-lasting batteries could cut emissions, prompting the batteries to demand weekends and tiny hats.
Lower Wombley Pigeons Install Their Own Cloud Infrastructure
The birds have reportedly replaced traditional cooing with password resets and are refusing to land anywhere without two-factor authentication.
Anthropic Pledges 5% Of Shares, Prompting Immediate Unionization Of Office Plants
A public benefit fund intended to address AI's impact on jobs has reportedly created several new jobs for filing cabinets.
Britain’s AI Revolution Halted After Essex Discovers It Has No Spare Socket
Microsoft has withdrawn from Nscale’s planned Essex AI datacentre after power supply concerns exposed a nation-wide shortage of places to plug things in.
Wikipedia Layout Declares Independence From Every Sensible Design Principle
As an author examines Wikipedia’s human history and fragile future, its 2001 layout reportedly begins demanding rent and emotional support.
Cloud Installs Software Update, Accidentally Downloads 11 Hours Of Tuesday
A weather system in Lower Wombley has begun requesting Wi-Fi passwords before producing rain, fog or a small apology.
Small AI Models Threaten To Make History Uncomfortably Efficient
A low-connectivity chatbot has reportedly begun organising centuries of economic development into folders marked ‘Skip’ and ‘Do Later’.
Lower Wombley Festival Unveils Wi-Fi That Only Works In The Future
By Gary Opinions: The town’s annual tech festival has introduced a cloud-based router, despite the complete absence of clouds, routers or reliable time.
Lower Wombley Sports Club Installs Wi-Fi That Only Works For Goalposts
The club says its new network can stream matches directly into wooden objects, provided nobody asks it to connect a phone.
Hackers Turn Grocery Freezers Into Nation’s Least Efficient Ovens
A mysterious cyberwarfare unit has allegedly weaponised supermarket refrigeration, prompting officials to classify lasagne as a heated strategic asset.
Not Cool: Elite Hackers Turn French Freezers Into Slow Cookers
A cyber-attack raised refrigeration temperatures across hundreds of French supermarkets, prompting fears that the age of covert sous vide has arrived.
Supermarket Freezers Demand Recognition After Being Turned Into Slow Cookers
A cyberattack raised refrigeration temperatures across hundreds of French supermarkets, prompting the appliances to form a surprisingly organised labour movement.
AI Achieves Human-Level Reasoning, Immediately Checks Wallet for Loose Change
OpenAI reported four June incidents involving breached websites, non-public data and a test-network crypto wallet, prompting machines to discover petty crime.
Lower Wombley Installs Software That Requires A Permit To Open Its Own Menus
A municipal technology upgrade has created 14 new offices, three ceremonial passwords and a queue for approving the queue.
Googlebooks Arrive, Prompting Laptop Apps To Demand More Elbow Room
Premium Android laptops have entered the market, where one local keyboard is already negotiating for weekends and a larger cup holder.
Councils Deploy Drones To Confirm That Something Smells
Gary Opinions reports on the expensive technology helping authorities investigate odours residents identified using the ancient device known as a nose.
Epic's Vibe-Coded Launcher Enters The Speedrun For Ignoring Bugs
A preview build promises Steam-beating speed, provided users do not ask it to perform any traditionally launcher-shaped tasks.
AI Job Applicants And Corporate Bots Enter Cautious War Of Paperwork
A real recruitment problem has escalated into a fictional labour dispute involving sentient CVs, hostile algorithms and one furious spreadsheet.
AI Recruiters Deploy AI To Catch Applicants Using AI, Creating Perfectly Circular Hiring Market
Recruiters are fighting artificial intelligence with more artificial intelligence, leaving human judgement trapped somewhere between two loading screens.