Science (Allegedly)
Peer-reviewed by peers who did not review it.
Japan Launches Deep-Space Gravel Run To Mars’s Moon
The historic mission will travel millions of miles to collect samples from Phobos, because apparently Earth has run out of rocks.
Scientists Unveil Pocket Device That Gives Objects A Brief Sense Of Direction
The Wayfinder 3000 reportedly persuades lost items to walk home, provided they have legs, a destination and modest expectations.
Japan Announces First Martian Moon Expedition, Potato To Be Assessed
A Japanese probe will collect Phobos soil, allowing experts to describe a small, lumpy rock as an extreme destination.
Honeybees Declare Every Flower A Private Members’ Club
A study found honeybees pushing aside wild pollinators, prompting an entirely imaginary floral security crackdown.
Dark Skies Festival Announces Revolutionary Return To Standing Outside At Night
Exmoor’s tenth anniversary festival is drawing crowds with astronomy, nature and the increasingly premium experience of darkness.
Ancient Bell’s ‘Bong’ Confirmed After Supercomputers Consult the Bell Itself
Modal analysis suggests the Liberty Bell sounded like a bong, prompting an immediate inquiry into its emotional needs.
Museum Drawer Accidentally Stores Apex Predator For 90 Years
A forgotten Isle of Wight fossil has been identified as a new giant-clawed predator, raising questions about museum filing systems and survival instincts.
Venus Missions Celebrate By Packing Their Own Melt-Proof Lunches
DAVINCI and VERITAS are back on track for the early 2030s, when their equipment will bravely encounter the planet’s famously hostile welcome.
Neglectful Gardeners Hail Weeds As Britain’s New Conservation Elite
An eight-year pollinator study has given abandoned lawns the scientific prestige their owners always suspected they deserved.
Language Learners Urged To Replace Meaning With Vigorous Honking
A study linking precise hearing with better pronunciation has prompted Lower Wombley to declare war on understandable speech.
Health Officials Rebrand Uncontrollable Terror As Wholesome Daily Wellness
Following research into the benefits of fear, health advisers suggest twenty minutes of unmitigated panic can comfortably replace morning meditation.
Scientists Stunned to Discover Human Eyeball Operating Unpermitted Plumbing System
Researchers express professional betrayal after discovering the human eye has been secretly flushing fluid into the lymphatic system without municipal approval.
Study Finds Microwave Ovens Heat Food By Rotating Entire Universe Around The Mug
Astrophysicists confirm that countertop appliances do not spin your dinner, but instead violently heave the cosmos around a stationary bowl of lukewarm stew.
Physicists Discover Shortcut To Fusion Was Simply Doing The Opposite For Decades
After decades of cramming cold plasma into magnetic cages, researchers calculate that warming it up first avoids a catastrophic subatomic tantrum.
Astronomers Urge Tiny Star to Chew Faster as Billions-Long Feast Drags On
A low-mass star three hundred light-years away has spent an eternity nibbling on its brown dwarf neighbor with no intention of clearing the table.
Time Travel Pager Used Exclusively To Send Petty Complaints Five Minutes Into The Past
Early adopters of the groundbreaking tachyon device are completely wasting the miracle of time travel to text themselves about stubbed toes and spilled coffee.
Physics Society Turns Off Gravity For Summer Fete To Boost Ticket Sales
Organisers of the Upper Dipley village festival confirm that switching off the laws of classical mechanics has been a huge success, despite the floating sheep.
Archaeologists Thrilled To Discover Empty Hole Where A Stick Used To Be
The scientific community is celebrating a landmark breakthrough after successfully locating a rock cavity that used to contain a piece of wood.
Scientists Discover Corporate Jargon Generates Subatomic Particles That Alter Room Gravity
The newly identified 'Meetingon' particle is created by corporate buzzwords and physically traps employees in their chairs by increasing the mass of the room.
Rebel Protist Breaks Genetic Code Because It Refuses To Read The Textbook
A newly discovered microscopic organism is causing cellular anarchy after mistaking biology's universal rules for merely polite suggestions.
Scientists Discover Localized Black Hole Caused By Overlapping Calendar Invites
Researchers confirm that attempting to find a mutually agreeable time for a brief alignment chat can completely destroy the fabric of spacetime.
Clouds Appoint Drones As Middle Managers In Rainmaking Shake-Up
A cloud-seeding experiment over Homer used drones and silver iodide, proving that even weather now requires administrative oversight.
Life’s Left-Handed Molecules Form Union After Chemistry Nobel Mystery Solved
Scientists explain life’s molecular asymmetry, prompting thousands of tiny compounds to demand matching gloves and equal access to mirrors.
Laboratory Equipment Gains Sentience To Beg Scientists To Stop Waiting For Magic Machines
A survey showing researchers rely on future technology has prompted current appliances to unionise and demand humans ride a bicycle.