Money
Markets, budgets and other things nobody fully understands.
Microsoft Prepares To Save Gaming By Pricing Console Like A Used Car
Project Helix is reportedly headed for 2028 with a $1,200 to $1,800 price range, giving gamers a new way to finance despair.
Chocolate Cookies Reclassified As Luxury Assets After Crumb Market Surges
A grocery-price analysis sends Lower Wombley’s biscuits into financial orbit, where they immediately demand better lighting.
Squirrels Launch Emergency Currency After Acorn Prices Enter ‘Ludicrous’ Territory
Lower Wombley’s urban squirrels have introduced a nut-backed currency, despite having no banks, pockets or understanding of inflation.
Cashless Citizens Briefly Rediscover The Ancient Art Of Having Cash
A Revolut service disruption left app, card, transfer and withdrawal users confronting the shocking possibility that money may need to exist somewhere.
Bank Notes To Feature Animals, Mainly To Distract People From Their Balances
The Bank of England has unveiled four creatures for its nature-themed redesign, prompting the animals to demand better lighting and dental cover.
British Steelmakers Identify Quarterly Electric Bill As Their Main Global Rival
The latest price comparison has left the industry wondering whether its most formidable competitor is a furnace, a foreign rival, or a very large invoice.
Vogue Publisher Celebrates Remaining Financially Visible
Condé Nast’s UK arm reports a 36% profit drop, prompting a national celebration of still being technically solvent.
Rolls-Royce Expansion Delayed By Customer Request For More Feathers
Rising demand for bespoke luxury cars has reportedly reached the stage where pets require their own portrait studios and tailors.
Budget Wedding Cake Declares Independence From The Reception
As couples trim dessert costs, supermarket sheet cakes form a union and demand equal frosting for every guest.
Ofgem Considers Punishing Energy Suppliers For Making Energy Cheaper
A proposed charge could make power companies compensate rivals whenever customers are tempted by a bargain and wholesale prices later fall.
Automaker Unveils Plan To Save Money By Charging More For Cars
By Sam Sideways: A mid-engined concept sends the motor industry into an exciting new era of fewer vehicles and larger invoices.
Lower Wombley Sports Club Floats £4 Million After Selling Rights To Its Shadow
The club says its newly monetised shadow is already worth more than the team, the pitch and several perfectly ordinary buildings.
Thames Water Seeks £2.4bn To Stay Afloat Long Enough To Seek More
The utility says extra cash would prevent it running out of money before a longer-term debt deal, giving everyone valuable time to request another deal.
Town Hall Unveils First Municipal Budget For Money That Hasn't Been Invented Yet
By Morgan Ledger: Lower Wombley officials say the town's new revenue stream is payable in imaginary coins and administrative patience.
UK Economy Grows 0.1%, Immediately Applies For Superpower Status
Ministers celebrate a microscopic expansion by unveiling plans to measure prosperity in increasingly optimistic fractions.
Hospitality Offers 100,000 Jobs, Mostly To People Who Can Carry Six Pints
A real youth employment scheme has been expanded into a bizarre national trial involving sentient menus, unionised bar stools and one extremely formal gravy boat.
Regulators Discover Sofa Cannot Be 70% Off Forever
A £6m penalty has prompted the nation's imaginary price tags to demand recognition as sentient financial participants.
Lower Wombley Fridges Begin Issuing Tiny Mortgages To Their Owners
Households are being advised to check the interest rate before placing leftovers on the top shelf.
AI Share Crash Could Topple Markets Built on Mediocre Emails, IMF Warns
Investors who poured fortunes into artificial intelligence are now discovering that spreadsheets can also panic.
Investor Pays Record $14m for 1998 Jordan Jersey to Own Vintage Sweat
Financial analysts confirm that fourteen million dollars represents excellent value for several grams of dried 1998 championship electrolytes trapped in red mesh.
Boom-And-Bust Cycles Form Union To Protest Nobel Plan To Smooth Them Out
Economic fluctuations across the globe walk off the job, demanding the right to plunge into terrifying recessions without academic interference.
Ranchers Ask Subtraction to Respect Political Loyalty as Beef Imports Loom
As 300,000 tons of duty-free meat arrive and fuel bills climb, cattlemen in Wyoming ask household abacuses and diesel receipts to show some national pride.
Debt Advisers Successfully Eradicate Small Debts by Invoicing Clients for Even Larger Sums
Firms defend steep charges after regulators warn borrowers that replacing a modest credit balance with a five-figure consultation invoice does not count as relief.
Prediction Market Hires Ex-FBI Agent To Ensure People Only Gamble Clean Money On The News
A new oversight committee has been formed to protect the noble and highly dignified art of treating the daily news cycle like a giant casino.