Opinion
Opinions nobody asked for, delivered with total confidence.
Why I Still Attend The Annual Winter Sock Parliament
Each winter, I join Lower Wombley’s impossible hosiery ritual, because adulthood is mostly agreeing to nonsense indoors.
Unpopular opinion: Airport Queue Numbers Are a Scam as Big as the Queue
I have spent years proving that queue tickets are tiny paper lies designed to make waiting feel organised.
The Nation Can No Longer Pretend Its Sleeves Stay Dry
A damp cuff is not a minor inconvenience. It is the loose thread from which civilisation is currently unravelling.
Unpopular opinion: Smartwatches are a scam as big as pockets
I have endured enough wrist-based nagging and demand that every smartwatch be replaced with a respectful egg timer.
I Have Questions About The Sudden Popularity Of Personal Clouds
Gary Opinions investigates the baffling trend of assigning tiny weather systems performance reviews and finds the atmosphere unhelpful.
Unpopular opinion: Weekends are a scam as big as a calendar with a trapdoor
Dr. Pat Hypothesis exposes the two-day leisure racket, fuelled by damp laundry, unfinished errands and one extremely suspicious alarm clock.
Why I Still Apologise To The Furniture Every Autumn
In Lower Wombley, the annual Hearth Apology reminds us that winter is easier when the chairs know we mean well.
Unpopular Opinion: Self-Checkouts Should Be Banned From Saying Hello
Gary Opinions argues that automated greetings are the first step toward a society where machines expect emotional availability before accepting a cucumber.
I Asked My Home Devices To Think For Themselves. They Formed A Parliament
A personal account of the week my household technology developed policies, factions and a surprisingly strong view on toast.
Unpopular opinion: Travel pillows should be banned
I have endured enough inflatable neck loops, and I am ready to say what every upright passenger is secretly thinking.
My Theory: The Moon Is Just Auditing Our Pockets
After years of observation, I have concluded that nocturnal light is a government-grade inspection of everything we carry.
My Neighbours Have Declared War On Ordinary Doorbells
A personal account of the street's latest attempt to replace polite greetings with a fully regulated system of ceremonial foghorns.
Unpopular opinion: Escape Rooms Are a Scam as Big as a Door With No Handle
Gary Opinions argues that escape rooms are just expensive cupboards where clocks go to bully decent people.
My Theory: Spoons Are Quietly Running The Weather
After years of observation, I have concluded that teaspoons control local weather by rearranging themselves whenever nobody is looking.
Every Honest Sandwich Must Be Eaten From The Center Outward
Attacking a lunch by its outer crust is the behavior of cowards and border skirmishers who fear the truth of mustard.
Unpopular opinion: Smartwatches Are a Scam as Big as the Motorised Toast Rack
Strapping a temperamental miniature television to your sleeve just to be insulted by an animated envelope is an affront to the history of pendulums.
If My Neighbours Must Siphon the Street's Gravity, They Could at Least Warn the Postman
There is suburban boundary friction, and then there is having your morning toast drift toward the ceiling because Number 4 wanted denser hydrangeas.
Unpopular opinion: Leaving A Group Chat Without A Formal Speech Should Be Banned
If you cannot stand before your digital peers and explain why the casserole photos offended you, you must remain in the conversation forever.
My Smart Trousers Are Demanding A Firmware Update Before I Can Bend My Knees
We put microchips in cotton blends, but nobody stopped to ask what happens when your pants decide you need a posture patch while crossing the street.
Unpopular Opinion: Step Counters Are A Scam As Big As The Shoelace Industry
I refuse to let a judgmental piece of plastic tell me when to stand up, especially when my sofa is offering zero resistance.
My Children Have Spontaneously Formed A Hive Mind And It Is Ruining Our Weekends
The sheer volume of telepathic chatter during breakfast is making it impossible for me to read the morning paper in peace.
Unpopular opinion: Air fryers are a scam as big as the electric spoon
The bestselling appliance is nothing more than a noisy plastic box that uses wind and pure intimidation to bully our potatoes into submission.
My Smart Appliances Have Unionised And I Am Locked Out Of The Kitchen
Modern technology was supposed to make life easier, but my toaster is demanding a pension plan and the fridge is on a sympathy strike.
Unpopular opinion: E-scooters are a scam to sell us more wind
Our columnist Gary Opinions exposes the sinister meteorological agenda behind the electric scooter craze, and demands we return to the era of walking very slowly.