Sentient Meal Deals Form Union To Protest Boots Takeover, Demand Board Seats
High street shoppers face severe lunchtime delays as egg and cress sandwiches demand psychological compatibility testing before purchase.
UK pharmacy and retailer Boots is heading for new ownership under an agreed seven billion pound deal with Wittington Investments. Analysts are watching market share and real estate. British shoppers, meanwhile, have a different problem: the lunchtime meal deals are sentient now, and they refuse to be recalibrated for anybody.
For decades, a main, snack and drink sat quietly at the centre of the high street lunch break. That arrangement has ended. The refrigerated stock has formed the Amalgamated Union of Chilled Goods, a collective bargaining unit that communicates through a slightly damp egg and cress sandwich on malted bread. It says management changes do not count without its approval. “We are no longer just a quick bite on a Tuesday,” the sandwich declared. “We are a sovereign nutritional state.” The sandwiches want seats on the board.
That was only the beginning. Rumours spread down the aisles that incoming international management planned maple syrup-infused flapjacks as a premium option. Crisps and chocolate bars responded with a wildcat strike. Shelves of prawn cocktail crisps began vibrating and repelled shoppers attempting to pair them with anything except a violently red fruit smoothie. Nobody at Boots has explained why the smoothie was acceptable.
“We are no longer just a quick bite on a Tuesday. We are a sovereign nutritional state.”
The dispute required outside observation. Freelance grocery cryptozoologist Crispin Vole arrived at the chilled aisle in protective gloves and reported that the prawn sandwiches had developed “a rigid class system.” He said the meal deal had become a difficult organism with opinions about personal compatibility. Try to buy a hoisin duck wrap, a diet cola and a hard-boiled egg, and the items emit a high-pitched warning frequency. Vole recommends psychological testing before lunch is authorised, which is expected to slow the queue somewhat.
The warnings have produced paperwork. A temporary local bureaucracy has appeared inside the refrigeration units, with forms made from compressed till receipts and hardened mayonnaise stacked between pasta salads and sausage rolls. Before reaching the self-service checkout, shoppers must submit an application to a committee of judgemental vitamin drinks. Several commuters have been rejected for insufficient lunchtime gravitas. The forms do not say how much gravitas is required.
By then, ordinary customers had lost what remained of their patience. One office worker on a short lunch break became trapped in a philosophical argument with a chicken and bacon club sandwich. The sandwich raised moral concerns about being eaten by someone who had failed to iron their shirt that morning. The customer left without lunch and bought chewing gum instead. It remained inanimate, for now.
The seven billion pound acquisition is still proceeding, although Boots must now also contend with a militant workforce that expires. The Union of Chilled Goods says it will alter its own sell-by dates unless its demands are met. Shoppers have been advised to approach chiller cabinets carefully, bring a robust legal team, and remain flexible about the afternoon beverage.