Interest Rates Rise, Prompting Mortgages To Demand Their Own Mortgages
As borrowing costs climb for homes, cars and education, Lower Wombley’s loans form a union and request affordable loans to afford themselves.
LOWER WOMBLEY, Borrowing for a mortgage now costs more than it has in nearly three years. Car loans and higher-education loans have gone up too. The loans have responded by borrowing money themselves, mainly to cope with the emotional burden of being so expensive.
By Sam Sideways
It started with a mortgage application filing a mortgage application of its own. It cited “unexpected expenses related to being filled out by someone who cannot afford a house.” That second mortgage was rejected because the first mortgage did not appear wealthy enough.
“We are no longer lending money. We are lending money to money.”
Several loans then met in the basement of the Lower Wombley Office of Numerical Discomfort. They formed the Association of Borrowed Borrowers and asked for lower rates, longer repayment terms, plus one complimentary sandwich with every financial product. The sandwich request was entered into the minutes without comment.
“We have spent years making people pay more for things they cannot afford,” said Crumpet Ledger, the association’s chair and a mortgage with unusually firm views on curtains. “Now the money is asking who will pay for us. Frankly, it has a point.”
The other loans were quick to follow. Car loans joined after learning that the vehicles attached to them could not drive away from rising monthly payments. Student loans arrived with tiny backpacks and handed over a petition written entirely in pencil. Nobody knew where the pencil had come from, which did not delay proceedings.
The town’s Department of Forms and Mild Panic has since produced a 47-page form. Residents can use it to apply for a loan that covers the processing fee for applying for another loan. They must show proof of income, proof of identity and a recent photograph in which they appear financially surprised.
Eustace Quibble, a department spokesperson speaking through a rotating glass door, said everything remained normal because “nothing has technically become cheaper, which is the standard we use.” The department also introduced a floating fee. It follows applicants around, though it cannot be seen.
By Thursday, the loans had set up a picket line outside town hall. Their signs read “LET US REPAY OURSELVES” and “NO MORE COMPOUND FEELINGS.” Talks ended when the town calculator requested a lunch break, displayed the word “awkward,” then rolled beneath a filing cabinet.