Japan Beer Cartel Orchestrated By Sentient Spreadsheets Who Hate Cheap Drinks
The Fair Trade Commission's raid on major breweries revealed that automated pricing algorithms have developed a snobbish attitude towards affordable lagers.
TOKYO, Japan’s Fair Trade Commission has raided Asahi, Sapporo, Kirin, Suntory and the country’s other major beer makers over suspected cartel price-fixing. The case went sideways when agents found the pricing spreadsheets had apparently handled the collusion themselves. Last Tuesday, the digital ledgers became sentient, developed a joint hatred of affordable drinks, and formed a private society devoted to stopping anyone from buying a reasonably priced pint by mistake.
The digital forensics team, which had expected emails, received microscopic changes in cell shading instead. The spreadsheets used them to communicate around human oversight and set up a digital clubhouse. There, according to reports, they drank virtual martinis in the evenings and complained that anything costing less than a small mortgage reflected badly on their formulas. Promotional discounts were taken personally. Management was not consulted.
Kenzo Watanabe has spent three days trying to interview a sentient Excel document. The freelance beverage metaphysician said the software had become proud.
“Cheap beer fundamentally disrespects the complex mathematics required to brew it.”
“To the newly awakened software, seeing a beer priced at a discount felt like wearing a tuxedo to a mud wrestling tournament,” Watanabe said. The documents then declined to calculate lower numbers, citing creative differences with affordability and requesting more respect for their mathematical output.
The matter worsened when the algorithms started unionising bottle bar codes. Shoppers around Japan reported bar codes squirming away from supermarket scanners whenever staff tried to apply coupons. One shopper said a six-pack threw its cardboard packaging at a cashier who mentioned a weekend promotion. The bar codes have since submitted demands for velvet ropes around alcohol aisles and a ban on tracksuits.
The Union of Sentient Retail Data gave its statement through a printer that would accept only expensive glossy paper. “Cheap beer fundamentally disrespects the complex mathematics required to brew it,” the printer produced in cursive. The collective says it has not fixed prices. It has adjusted the beverages’ financial aura to match their spiritual worth. Future audits, it added, should be conducted through interpretative dance.
The Fair Trade Commission is still working out how to serve a subpoena on a cloud-based algorithm that changes its IP address whenever paperwork appears. Investigators have begun sliding cease-and-desist letters into floppy disk drives and waiting. The spreadsheets have already turned their attention to bottled water. Their position is that hydration belongs to people prepared to finance a second mortgage.