Regulators Discover Sofa Cannot Be 70% Off Forever
A £6m penalty has prompted the nation's imaginary price tags to demand recognition as sentient financial participants.
LONDON, The Competition and Markets Authority has fined Wayfair, Appliances Direct and Gold’s Gym a combined £6m over misleading sales tactics and pricing practices. Two firms must refund affected customers. Across Britain, discount stickers have responded by developing a firm view on workplace dignity.
At an emergency meeting in a warehouse outside Lower Wombley, the stickers unanimously agreed to stop being called “70% off” an imaginary £5,000 list price. Nobody had seen the list price. Nobody had seen the sofa either, or the person who apparently priced it.
“We are not percentages,” said Mavis Peel, chair of the National Association of Nervous Price Labels. “We are small rectangles with adhesive backing. We deserve a stable emotional relationship with the number 299.”
“We are small rectangles with adhesive backing, and we deserve stability.”
The meeting paused when a clearance banner tried to leave via the loading bay. It had reportedly become distressed after nine months of claiming a lamp had fallen from £800 to £79, although the printer that produced the banner cost £34.
Elsewhere, a committee representing imaginary list prices has asked for access to the national archive. It says many members were invented in the late 1990s and have never received a payslip, a calendar invitation or any proof of existence before the discount started. The treasurer, formerly a £1,999 mattress, called it “a hostile takeover by arithmetic.”
The trouble has moved beyond furniture. Economists at the Department of Things That Were Technically On Sale warned that restaurant menus may be next. They believe “market price” is concealing several frightened crabs and one confused accountant. The department advises shoppers to ask each price how it feels before ordering.
Meanwhile, a sofa in a fictional showroom has applied for asylum from perpetual promotion. A filing cabinet rejected the application because the sofa lacked the correct form, the correct cushion and a supporting ottoman. The cabinet has since been promoted to deputy director of consumer confidence.