Unpopular opinion: E-scooters are a scam to sell us more wind
Our columnist Gary Opinions exposes the sinister meteorological agenda behind the electric scooter craze, and demands we return to the era of walking very slowly.
Every time I step out of my front door, a neon-green metal stick goes past my left ear with a noise like an irritated kettle. People call these things the future of urban transport. For the last three weeks, I have watched from my living-room window through binoculars and reached a simpler conclusion: e-scooters manufacture wind, then charge us to stand in it.
Stand still on a pavement and there is usually no wind at all. A newspaper may flap if somebody drops one. Get on an electric scooter, though, and air immediately starts battering your face at what feels like gale force. This is not weather. The scooter produces it so you feel fast and become dependent on the premium wind arrangement.
I rang the local Department of Pavement Integrity about this. A spokesperson said, “Please stop calling us about the wind. We only deal with actual concrete.” That is exactly what someone protected by Big Wind would say. The industry wants you to think the atmosphere remains free while it quietly corners the market in air currents. Every teenager passing with a half-eaten pastry is taking part of my allotted atmospheric pressure.
“Please stop calling us about the wind, we only deal with actual concrete.”
The problem has reached my street. My neighbour Clive Trimmington, who owns three identical beige cardigans, bought an e-scooter last month. He says he rides it to the pencil factory. I have watched him in his driveway, motionless except for the scooter, absorbing its synthetic breeze like a houseplant with bills to pay.
Yesterday I asked Clive to share some of his stored wind with the rest of us. He threatened to call the authorities. Wind-hoarder behaviour, plain and familiar.
There is also the posture. Riding one requires you to stand rigidly upright, like a startled meerkat holding on to handlebars that have failed to repay a debt. Walking permits a person to swing their arms, look at gravel, and yell at clouds when circumstances require it. The scooter takes that away. You just stand there, being transported in an alarming silence.
Its defenders say scooters save time. Time for what, exactly? Sitting in a different chair a few minutes sooner? I have never needed to arrive anywhere urgently enough to balance on a glorified rolling pin. If I need to be somewhere quickly, I leave home three days early, as our ancestors did while considering a pile of stones.
Something has to be done. I have started placing large novelty magnets along the pavement to interfere with the motors. So far they have attracted several dropped spoons, which is unfortunate but irrelevant. The point is to take back the street before everybody forgets how to walk on two feet and accepts purchased air as a normal household expense.