Unpopular opinion: Smartwatches are a scam as big as pockets
I have endured enough wrist-based nagging and demand that every smartwatch be replaced with a respectful egg timer.
I, Linda Sources, have reached the only reasonable conclusion: smartwatches are a scam as big as pockets. Pockets have carried keys, biscuits and the occasional mysterious screw for generations. They never demanded an update, a password or a small round of applause. Now we are meant to strap a glowing bureaucrat to our wrists and call it progress.
Mine started before breakfast. It vibrated because I was sitting down. Then it objected to my failure to stand up, followed by another vibration when I stood up too dramatically. I was making toast. The watch appears to have concluded that I was escaping the kitchen under difficult circumstances.
People say these things save time. They do not. I have lost whole afternoons trying to dismiss a reminder telling me I had spent too long dismissing reminders. At one point, the watch produced a cheerful symbol and suggested I breathe. I was already breathing. By then I was doing it resentfully, which rather spoils the arrangement.
“My mug has never told me to take a mindful walk.”
Then came the goal-setting screen. I agreed to set one: never set another goal. The watch congratulated me at once. A machine that applauds this has no principles, no standards and possibly no working idea of what a goal is. A wooden spoon would have put up more resistance.
So the answer is obvious. Ban smartwatches, apart from one ceremonial model in a glass case at the Museum of Unnecessary Circles. Visitors can press its only button and wait while it announces that the button has been pressed. Children would learn about technology, patience and the risk of trusting a rectangle with opinions. It is enough.
The Ministry of Wrist Affairs will object, naturally. Its deputy director, Felicity Crumb, has already said that the national timepiece is “emotionally invested in our punctuality.” This means nothing. Felicity does not know what it means either, because she is a brass doorknob wearing a lanyard. Her confidence has nevertheless caused considerable trouble in the stationery cupboard.
There is another way to live. Use clocks that show the time and leave your posture, sleep, snacks and dramatic kitchen exits alone. Wear an ordinary watch. Wear no watch. Ask a nearby object if things become desperate. My mug has never instructed me to take a mindful walk or requested a software licence. It has earned my trust.