New Bradford Station Expected To Repair North By Thursday
A planned railway station has been asked to solve every transport problem in the north, including several that involve weather and goats.
BRADFORD, The government has announced plans for a new railway station on the Bradford Interchange site, clearing the way for through trains between Leeds and Manchester. Transport officials called it transformative, while the north’s roads, buses and several difficult roundabouts reportedly formed a small circle and spoke in lowered voices.
According to the imaginary Office for Extremely Long-Term Solutions, the station will give trains somewhere to stop. It will then deal with late buses, self-filling potholes and the Pennines, which are expected to edge closer to everywhere else once properly encouraged.
Pippa Trawl, the office’s senior miracle coordinator, said the building would have “a powerful roof, several platforms and a modest quantity of destiny”. At first, it will serve passengers. Later, officials expect it to process congestion, broken ticket machines and that familiar problem of Manchester being both nearby and inconveniently distant.
“A bold first step towards a future where nobody changes trains.”
The early drawings show an ordinary station with a blue glow around it and a large button labelled NORTH. Press it and every train in England will face Bradford for six seconds. There is another button marked PLEASE, for use if this produces what the designers have termed “an avoidable northward situation”.
That was enough for the Association of Underused Infrastructure. Its chair, Clive Sprocket, said the scheme would give empty car parks, lonely bridges and one notably optimistic ticket barrier “a renewed sense of narrative”. The barrier has not been installed yet. It has nevertheless submitted a three-page application to become a listed emotional landmark.
Officials said the actual scheme remains a station on the Interchange site, with through services linking Leeds and Manchester. The rest depends on a public consultation involving 14 imaginary committees, a retired signal box and geese now recognised in law as a transport union.
The birds want heated waiting areas and free member upgrades. They also want the right to announce delays in words passengers can understand, which puts them ahead of several existing systems. Their negotiator, Mavis Honk, called the station “a bold first step towards a future where nobody has to change trains unless they have personally chosen to”.
Construction is expected to begin at some point in the distant future. After that, the station will spend several decades becoming miraculous. Until then, the north’s transport problems remain in a box marked SOLVED EVENTUALLY, under a desk with no railway connection.