Heathrow Third Runway Debate Promoted To Permanent National Weather System
Ministers back growth while the runway question enters an exciting new phase of consultation, paperwork and mild atmospheric humming.
LOWER WOMBLEY, The Heathrow third runway debate entered its second century of inconclusive consultation on Friday. Chancellor John Healey said there was a pro-growth case for building it; Prime Minister Andy Burnham declined to settle the matter. Nobody appeared pleased. Several filing cabinets shifted in their drawers.
Officials will now take the debate forward by “thinking about it in a slightly more structured way”. This means feasibility studies, counter-feasibility studies, and a public consultation on whether the public has considered a runway’s emotional needs.
“A runway is not merely a strip of tarmac,” said Imelda Quarn, deputy under-secretary for Incremental Airport Progress. “It is a long grey sentence that has not yet found its full stop.” The ministry, she said, intends to produce a master plan for producing a plan. Then there will be a brief pause while everyone tries to remember where the last plan was put.
“A runway is a long grey sentence that has not yet found its full stop.”
The consultation has spent several decades open in a draughty office and reportedly developed a personality. It calls itself “a non-binary administrative fog” and has applied for recognition as a small river. Its first demand: every future meeting must begin with a minute’s silence for the minutes of earlier meetings.
A man standing nearby said he attended a public meeting about the runway in 1987. He could not recall why he went in, or why he remained there. “They gave us a form to fill in about the form,” he said. “I completed it in 1994 and received a reply yesterday asking whether I had any thoughts on the envelope.”
And the birds have entered the process. A coalition of airport pigeons plans to unionise, on the grounds that a third runway requires consultation with birds already using the airspace. Their representative, Clive, wore a tiny waistcoat and said the flock wanted “guaranteed crumbs, protected loafing rights and a binding commitment to cooing during ministerial announcements”.
The ministry said the debate remained on track. Engineers described that track as circular. Philosophers called it “more of a suggestion”. A new timetable is due shortly, once the timetable has secured planning permission, environmental approval and consent from an elderly stapler now serving as the office’s acting permanent secretary.
By Monday, officials had moved the Heathrow question into a secure archive. Civil servants will monitor it there, along with one highly alert badger. Ministers described the archive as a pro-growth future. The archive disagreed, after requesting an extension to consider the wording.