Neighbourhood Association Requires Clouds To Submit Permits Before Raining
The Maple Heights residents' committee insists that local precipitation must complement the approved beige colour palette of the subdivision.
LITTLE DRIBBLING, The Maple Heights Homeowners Association has declared sovereignty over the sky above its subdivision. A new bylaw gives every incoming weather system fourteen business days to file an architectural review application before it rains, snows, or sleets. The association wants all precipitation to suit its approved beige palette and remain within the permitted ambient-noise level.
Clouds that release moisture without a laminated, stamped permit now face a daily fifty-pound fine, payable in exact change. The residents’ committee says unscheduled weather damages property values and sits badly beside the trimmed lawns, identical driveways and decorative boulders placed with what appears to be surveying equipment.
“For far too long, we have allowed transient atmospheric phenomena to cross designated property lines and drop whatever liquid they please with zero accountability,” said Horace Crumple, the association’s new Director of Sky Compliance. “Last week we had a localized drizzle that was distinctly greyish-blue. It completely undermined the warm neutral tones of our premium cul-de-sac. Basic decency, really.”
“It is a matter of basic decency and respect for the neighbourhood.”
The association has put up large penalty notices on very tall poles, all pointed at the stratosphere. Its neighbourhood watch now carries powerful megaphones and has been told to shout zoning ordinances at any suspicious stratus formation approaching the perimeter without first checking in at the visitor gate.
Residents who want rain in their own gardens must submit an environmental aesthetic variance form. They must prove that the proposed shower will not streak the communal tennis courts. The form also requires three physical samples of the requested precipitation, which has caused some difficulty because the material is generally vapour until it becomes somebody else’s problem.
“I tried to apply for a gentle Thursday morning shower for my hydrangeas,” said local resident Penelope Thistlebottom, holding a dry trowel and watching the sky with understandable caution. “The committee rejected it because the droplets were too perfectly spherical. Apparently that breaches the guidelines on acceptable geometric shapes. Now I water the plants after midnight with a watering can disguised as a decorative ceramic gnome.”
The association has not apologised for any of this. It says the vetting process keeps unseemly weather from lowering the tone of the area. A patch of morning fog that lingered near the community centre without a visitor badge has already received threats of legal action and a permanent ban from regional airspace.
And the committee is still expanding. Before the fiscal year ends, it intends to require all incoming sunlight to refract at a specified, pre-approved angle so it does not reveal dust on residents’ bay windows. The global meteorological community has made no official comment on the fines. A passing cold front was seen looking confused, then drifting toward a less regulated neighbouring municipality.