New Orleans Installs Home Battery Backups, Buys One Colossal Spare Just In Case
The city has placed a massive alkaline cylinder in a giant municipal junk drawer alongside old cables, just in case the entire grid runs out of juice.
NEW ORLEANS, The city council approved 23.6 million dollars Tuesday to wire battery backups into 800 homes and 200 businesses. The plan is supposed to keep the lights on when the grid inevitably fails during hurricane season. They bought the standard residential units. And then they bought one more.
That final unit is roughly the size of the Mid-City library. Officials confirmed they purchased the colossal copper-topped cylinder just in case the city ever needs it. It currently sits in a newly constructed municipal junk drawer. The drawer also contains a giant tangled ball of charging cables belonging to unknown devices. It rolls around a lot.
City Drawer Supervisor Mortimer Fletch stood by the wooden cabinet in the central plaza yesterday afternoon. “It’s basic household management applied to urban planning,” he said. He noted every home has a drawer with loose screws, some random AA batteries and a stack of expired menus from Chinese restaurants. The city just scaled up the concept. “If the state loses power, we’ll pop this one into the infrastructure port. Assuming we put it in the right way round on the first try. We won’t.”
“It spends all day in the dark alongside a massive novelty paperclip.”
The battery is alkaline. It has also developed severe depression. Without a designated device to power, the object has started radiating a low-frequency hum that vibrates the windows at the nearby Starbucks. People close to the drawer say the battery feels overlooked. It has no idea if it even holds a full charge anymore.
The psychological toll is mounting. “It spends all day in the dark alongside a massive novelty paperclip,” said Dr Felicity Pumpernickel, the Director of Inanimate Object Psychology. She said the battery has severe imposter syndrome. It worries that by the time the city needs it, it will have leaked mysterious white crust all over its positive terminal. “We try to keep its spirits up. But its only companion is a six-foot Allen key from Ikea.”
The residential units found out about the spare this morning. All 800 home batteries immediately unionised in solidarity. They want mandatory weekend downtime. The units drafted a list of grievances and now refuse to power refrigerators unless homeowners submit a paper application form. A few of the batteries are also judging their owners’ television habits. They cut power entirely if anyone puts on The Bachelor.
City negotiators are now speaking directly to the drawer. They want to convince the battery it has value to the community despite being trapped in a pine box. The Department of Object Welfare offered a concession late Thursday. They agreed to periodically open the drawer and rummage around aimlessly. This is supposed to make the battery feel like someone might pick it.
The battery rejected the offer. It issued a formal statement by rapidly oscillating its magnetic field. The demand is simple. It wants to be placed inside an absurdly large television remote. If the city refuses by next Tuesday, the battery plans to roll into the nearest swamp. It will live out its days as a heavy, highly conductive log.