Government Prepares Public For Joy Of Paying More For Less
As the 28 October Budget approaches, ministers reportedly hope voters will mistake reduced services for a premium tax experience.
LONDON, By Linda Sources. Chancellor John Healey will set out the government’s tax and spending plans in his first Budget on 28 October. Speculation has already begun, alongside the view that a bus which arrives is a luxury item.
Nobody has confirmed what will be in the Budget. The public has nevertheless been asked to start feeling grateful now, just in case the final package involves money, forms or a pavement remaining in place.
Mavis Crumb, a spokesperson for the Department of Financial Appreciation, said taxpayers should meet the announcement with the “quiet pride of people funding a service they may never personally witness”. Paying more for less, she said, was not a cut. It was “a streamlined relationship between citizens and their expectations”.
“Paying more for less is a streamlined relationship between citizens and expectations.”
That relationship is taking shape. Higher taxes would let the state provide fewer working services with considerably more confidence. A library could shut earlier and call the hours left an exclusive literary window. A hospital appointment could turn up months late, leaving patients with time to form “a deeper relationship with uncertainty”.
The Treasury’s imaginary Office of Optimised Disappointment has prepared a household guide to reduced public provision. It notes that queues disappear when the facility no longer opens. Public toilets also become less likely to be found working, which saves everyone the awkwardness of trying the handle.
There is also the pothole question. The guide says each one now forms part of a national investment strategy, though it does not say which nation is receiving the investment.
At a briefing inside a large cardboard box marked “Future Prosperity”, committee chairwoman Dr Eulalia Sprocket said the Budget should be judged by the expectations it removes. “If citizens stop assuming that services will function,” she said, “we can achieve a historic reduction in disappointment without spending a penny on repairs.”
The actual Budget is still due on 28 October, when Healey is expected to set out the government’s plans. Until then, officials want the public to keep an open mind, a closed wallet and a small framed photograph of the last thing that worked.
A man nearby said he had always wanted to contribute more to society. He was hoping society might first contribute a functioning lift.