Britain Wins Freedom To Watch Geopolitical Crises From A Comfortable Distance
A new thinktank paper says Britain may need to rejoin the EU, prompting ministers to defend the nation's sovereign right to do nothing alone.
LONDON, Britain has answered a thinktank paper urging it to work towards rejoining the European Union by celebrating its freedom to watch geopolitical crises from a comfortable distance, without anyone consulting it. The Institute for Public Policy Research says the country cannot handle these crises properly unless it rebuilds a closer relationship with the bloc it left. Officials began looking for a more independent way to agree.
That caused some concern. The newly established Ministry of Standing Firm welcomed the proposal’s general existence, while insisting that Britain had spent years recovering its sovereignty and would not now spend it on practical influence. Its permanent undersecretary for Proudly Unanswered Emails, Crispin Fallow, said sovereignty was the legal right to make decisions nobody else needed to hear about.
“We have achieved an astonishing level of autonomy,” Fallow said. “At any moment, we can issue a completely self-contained position on events already decided by everyone else. That is not irrelevance. It is premium solitude.”
“At any moment, we can issue a position nobody else needs to hear about.”
The ministry says Brexit’s main achievement has been a national waiting room where Britain can sit while other countries finish negotiating. There is reportedly a laminated notice on the wall: “Please take a number. Your influence is important to us.” The sign was unavailable for comment after being sent to Brussels for an urgent explanation.
For some, that arrangement remains preferable. Defenders of maximum national independence worry that rejoining the EU would expose Britain to unsafe levels of coordinated action. Sir Ptolemy Wren, chair of the Parliamentary Committee on Avoidable Awkwardness, said the country should think carefully before entering any arrangement in which neighbouring states expected it to attend meetings, share information or have a plan.
“We should not rush back into a situation where Britain is forced to know what is happening,” Wren said. “Once you start collaborating, people may ask you to contribute something more substantial than a historic reference and a sternly worded expression of concern.”
The ministry has instead proposed sovereignty vouchers. Britain would receive one entirely domestic policy announcement for every international decision made without it. Early trials have gone well. Three vouchers can reportedly be exchanged for a ceremonial naval hat, while one half-price conference place on strategic patience is also available.
A man standing nearby said the debate had finally identified the country’s central question: whether Britain wanted the freedom to be responsible for its own position, or the freedom to learn what that position was after it had stopped mattering. The ministry said it would consider the matter carefully, preferably once the EU had reached a view.