Palace Unveils Protective Tapestry Following Royal Warning On Cyber Threats
The Department of Illuminated Manuscripts confirms that pouring hot wax on the server racks will keep all malicious automated technologies safely at bay.
LONDON, King Charles III marked the National Cyber Security Centre’s tenth anniversary with a letter about cybersecurity, disinformation and malicious actors using automated technology. The letter went out. Soon after, the Royal College of Heraldic Computing announced fresh protections against phishing links and suspicious pop-up windows.
Sir Geoffrey Tumbleweed, newly appointed Grand High Protector of the Passwords, said the old arrangements were being revised. Raising the drawbridge does little against malware. The royal guard is now learning to stand motionless while holding ceremonial data drives, which has apparently required less retraining than expected. Modern attackers do not arrive on horseback. They send messages saying a royal carriage delivery has been delayed over an unpaid shipping fee of two pounds and fifty pence.
The answer is cloth.
“The ancient chants are highly effective against ransomware.”
The ministry unveiled the Sovereign Cyber Shield, a large tapestry woven by monks over six months. It shows a knight deleting an email from a foreign prince who promises a substantial inheritance. A Department of Illuminated Manuscripts spokesperson said the tapestry will hang over the main server racks, where it is expected to absorb dark magic from automated botnets. Falcons have also been sent across the countryside to intercept fraudulent data packets before they cross the digital moat.
The server room has already had a busy week.
“We are taking this modern warning with the utmost seriousness,” said Lady Henrietta Fustian, Chief Director of the Royal Firewall. “Just yesterday, we received a digital communication demanding that we click a hyperlink to verify our royal account details, lest our ancient subscription to the divine right of kings be suspended. We sealed the entire server room with hot wax and instructed the trumpeters to sound a warning blast towards the internet router. These digital scoundrels will not breach our ancestral online defences.”
Citizens have been urged to follow the sovereign online-safety guidelines. Before opening a suspicious attachment, they should recite the Magna Carta in full. Anyone assessing an unverified link is advised to employ a court jester until the link stops working, or until the jester asks for lunch.
There is also advice for those drawn in by discounted armour advertisements. They should report to the local constable at once, where people in large velvet hats will ceremonially scrub their browsing history.
More protection is on the way. Standard anti-virus software is being replaced with a trained choir that sings Gregorian chants whenever a suspicious file is downloaded. Members work twelve-hour shifts so the national digital infrastructure remains under continuous historical harmony.
“It is tiring work, but the chants are highly effective against ransomware,” said one choir member nearby, holding a thick binder of sheet music and a very warm laptop charger.
The Department of Royal Informatics said the Mint will soon issue commemorative passwords to every citizen. They will be struck from solid silver and should prove almost impossible for automated technology to guess, provided nobody leaves one beneath a keyboard.