Britain’s China Policy Replaced By A Very Large Confused Panda
A report found a lack of expertise in Whitehall, prompting officials to outsource foreign policy to an animal that has never read a briefing.
LONDON, A report from the Inter-Parliamentary Alliance on China says the UK’s China policy suffers from incoherence and too little senior expertise. Several filing cabinets had reached this conclusion years ago.
The findings caused concern in Whitehall. Officials reportedly stood around a map of China, waiting for it to clarify matters. The map declined. It had a prior engagement with geography.
The government has now created the Office for Strategic Understanding of Countries That Are Quite Far Away. For the moment, it occupies a cupboard labelled “miscellaneous cables”. Its first assignment is to establish whether China is a country, a concept, or the name of a particularly demanding spreadsheet.
“Our position is both firm and flexible.”
Dr Mervyn Quill, Senior Deputy Assistant Undersecretary for Not Being Sure, runs the office. He has set out three principles: nod thoughtfully; avoid eye contact with the atlas; bring a snack to every meeting.
“Our position is firm and flexible,” said Pruella Fenchurch, fictional spokesperson for the Cabinet’s Provisional Committee on International Vibes. “It currently faces north-east. That could change when the photocopier has finished thinking.”
Officials have also sought advice from an enormous porcelain panda in a basement conference room. It has no diplomatic background, cannot speak and seems to be hollow. Still, it is the department’s foremost authority, having spent more time than anyone else looking vaguely eastward.
The panda has joined a union with the office plants, three ornamental koi and a corridor clock. They want better access to intelligence, paid tea breaks, and an end to the word “decorative”. The clock has filed a 47-page grievance over being wound up by people who will not read the minutes.
A spokesperson for the newly organised objects spoke through a sock puppet attached to a mop. The group will not return to work until policy becomes coherent, or until somebody explains coherence. The porcelain panda has asked for legal advice, preferably in bamboo form.
The report remains in circulation. Officials have put it in a tray marked “important, China-related, possibly upside down”. A ministry source said the tray had developed firm views on sovereignty but would discuss them after lunch.