Google Takes Metaphor Too Far By Putting The Cloud In The Actual Sky

Google will launch its Project Suncatcher satellite next week. They are sending their AI chips into orbit to test them in the vacuum of space. Tech companies spent the last decade telling us our tax returns and regrettable 2am eBay bids were safely stored in the cloud. I always assumed this was just a convenient metaphor to stop us asking where our files actually lived. Now the cloud is real. It is a literal object in the sky.

I warned readers this would happen. I’ve spent over a decade predicting the literalisation of internet infrastructure. My nephew used to brag that his music collection was up in the cloud. I would look out the kitchen window on overcast afternoons and worry a sudden downpour might wash away his terrible taste in acoustic pop. And my anxieties were completely justified. Google is taking the concept to its terminal conclusion by launching a metal box full of artificial intelligence into the actual heavens.

Google claims they need this orbital launch for hardware testing. They want to see how their chips handle the crushing vacuum of space. The experiment is completely redundant. If you want to know how artificial intelligence copes with a hollow void entirely devoid of warmth or atmosphere, you just need to call the customer service line of your local broadband provider and navigate their phone menu. Strapping it to a rocket is a waste of money.

“You cannot simply reach around the back of the sky and unplug it for thirty seconds.” — Router Kevin, a self proclaimed local technology guru who operates out of a shed

The implications of that rocket for anyone looking upwards are unsettling. I discussed the matter over the fence with my neighbour. Arthur Denting, a retired traffic cone placement specialist, refuses to look at the sky altogether now. He doesn’t want his retinas to accidentally trigger a user agreement. It’s a coherent point. If the upper atmosphere is managed by Google algorithms, we might soon have to link a valid credit card just to experience a pleasant sunset.

A premium sunset is only part of the problem. We also have to consider the sheer logistics of moving basic digital tasks into the upper atmosphere. So the technology sector is abandoning perfectly good server farms in sensible suburban office parks in favour of orbital mechanics. If I want to ask a chatbot for a potato salad recipe, my request has to travel to a metal box flying at seventeen thousand miles per hour. That is an extremely dramatic commute for a mayonnaise question.

That dramatic commute brings up a basic technical problem. Nobody has answered how exactly you perform a hard reset on a satellite when it inevitably freezes. You can’t just reach around the back of the sky and unplug the power cable for thirty seconds. I asked a self-proclaimed local technology guru who operates out of a damp shed under the name Router Kevin, and he confidently suggested we might need to build an incredibly tall ladder.

Ladders aside, this satellite launch marks the end of looking at the firmament in peace. The natural beauty of the constellations will soon be replaced by a giant spinning loading circle hovering over our roofs. Keep your personal data firmly on the ground where it belongs, ideally written on paper and shoved inside a sturdy shortbread tin. Let the billionaires conquer the exosphere. I’m perfectly happy keeping my intelligence terrestrial and firmly below average.