Lower Wombley Issues Permit For Its Own Puddles
Officials say every puddle must now be measured, numbered and approved before it is allowed to remain damp.
LOWER WOMBLEY, The town hall has started issuing permits for puddles after deciding that rainwater had spent too long gathering in public without municipal paperwork.
The new Office of Surface Moisture Compliance requires each puddle to file an application covering depth, reflectiveness and its intended approach to evaporation. Two references are required. They must confirm the puddle behaved responsibly during earlier showers.
“Unlicensed water has been loitering on pavements for years,” said Marzipan Quill, deputy registrar of temporary wetness. “We do not object to puddles. They simply need to understand that freedom involves a numbered form and a processing fee, payable in exact teaspoons.”
“Unlicensed water has been loitering on pavements for years.”
That form has consequences. Puddles larger than a dinner plate will receive a case officer; smaller ones go into administrative families. Beside the library, the council has installed a miniature waiting room where they can sit on tiny chairs until somebody calls their names.
A pilot puddle by the bus shelter was denied approval after inspectors found that it had changed shape without telling the council. It now remains under observation in a shallow plastic tray and has been told not to reflect the moon until further notice.
The Department of Municipal Inconveniences has opened a public register for residents checking whether nearby puddles are licensed, pending review or “emotionally complicated”. A laminated map identifies three places where water may gather in a circle, provided it does not develop opinions about drainage.
Officials say the policy will stay in force until the town hall finishes its review of puddle-related vocabulary. The review is late already. The committee still cannot decide whether “splash” is an action, a sound or a small local authority.
By Sam Sideways