Nightjars Form Union After Discovering They Cannot Sprint
A migratory bird's aerodynamic compromise has triggered an imaginary labour dispute involving speed limits, snack breaks and one furious clipboard.
LOWER WOMBLEY, A migratory bird has formed a union after discovering that it can cross continents yet cannot manage a quick sprint, according to nobody qualified to comment and several birds extremely qualified to complain.
European nightjars fly thousands of miles during migration. At higher speeds, they give up some aerodynamic lift efficiency in favour of agility while hunting. They also generate thrust on the upstroke, which the Lower Wombley Office of Avian Workplace Relations has interpreted as evidence of long-running wingbeat exploitation.
The birds made their demands from a municipal tree. Forty-six nightjars stood behind a banner reading WE FLY FAR, WE TURN FAST, WE RUN LIKE A TOWEL. They want a four-day flying week, guaranteed insects during unsociable hours, and tiny running tracks at every migration rest stop.
“We fly far, we turn fast, we run like a towel.”
“We are not asking to be cheetahs,” said Pippa Quill, the union’s elected Convenor of Forward Motion. “We are asking for the basic dignity of hurrying across a puddle without looking like a hat being dragged by a breeze.”
The dispute began beside the old railway embankment, during a trial sprint. It did not last. The leading nightjar moved about two feet, turned sharply to catch a moth, and was declared the winner by judges appointed from a nearby hedge. All of them were moths.
Management then issued every bird a laminated performance chart. It recorded excellent long-distance travel and outstanding mid-air manoeuvrability, with a red warning triangle beside the words emergency departure from picnic blanket. The union rejected the chart because it had been designed by a filing cabinet with no experience of migration.
“The cabinet keeps saying our limitations are part of a broader operational model,” said an anonymous nightjar official, speaking through a ventilation grille. “That is exactly what the last cupboard said before it demanded a seat on the negotiating team.” Talks have stalled over whether an upstroke counts as paid movement or merely enthusiasm.
The birds are considering industrial action. Their proposal involves flying in elegant circles above the town hall while refusing to land on anything marked ‘staff only’. Local officials said the protest may continue until someone invents a bird capable of sprinting, or until the nightjars remember they have somewhere warmer to be.