Local Council in Tense Standoff After Asbestos Fibres Form Union on Closed Beach
The microscopic minerals are refusing to leave the sand until the local authorities meet their demands for a permanent gated community and tiny hard hats.
PLYMOUTH, Mount Batten Beach is closed after tests found asbestos fibres in the sand. This has also produced the first known strike by a dangerous mineral. The fibres have formed a union and refuse to leave until someone addresses their working conditions.
The Amalgamated Union of Silicate Minerals released a statement on Tuesday. It was written on one grain of quartz and brought in by a seagull that appeared to have no idea why it had been selected. The union says it spent decades hidden in industrial roofing and old pipes, with no pay, no tea breaks and little acknowledgement of its structural integrity. Having reached a seaside resort, the fibres now want a permanent gated community. They also want plastic buckets kept away.
The council put up a large metal fence around the sand, apparently in the hope that this would settle matters. The fence has since become sentient. It wants improved conditions as well. “We just want a pension plan and some decent weatherproof paint,” its spokesperson said on Thursday. The fence says it will lie down and let people through if nobody responds by the end of the week.
“We just want a pension plan and some decent weatherproof paint.”
That did not simplify the talks. Local government spokesperson Gideon Thrumble said negotiations were difficult because the asbestos delegates cannot be seen and communicate through microscopic vibrations. Officials sent specialist dust mites to mediate. The mites unionised almost immediately and have requested their own tiny picket signs.
The shoreline has now acquired sides. Several hermit crabs crossed the picket line while trying to reach the water, causing a series of standoffs with the fibres. The crabs say tiny overlapping voices shouted at them from the sand. They describe the workplace atmosphere as hostile, which is a phrase usually reserved for offices with a broken kettle.
Plymouth residents have been told to stay away. There are health risks, and the sentient fence has begun insulting people in sandals. Town Hall is considering a large non-union vacuum cleaner from a neighbouring county. It is also considering loose change, or designating the beach an official argument zone where health and safety rules no longer apply.
The asbestos union is preparing a microscopic ballot on further industrial action. It wants tiny hard hats and a dedicated human resources department. If those demands are ignored, the fibres say they will drift towards the town centre and request a meeting with the mayor. The beach remains fenced off until a collective bargaining agreement is reached, or until the minerals lose interest and blow away.