Rice Krispies Convene Emergency Parliament After Rice Leaves The Bowl
The cereal’s mystery grains have formed a union and are demanding to be addressed as breakfast ingredients.
LOWER WOMBLEY, The nation’s breakfast bowls entered constitutional uncertainty on Wednesday after Kellogg’s replaced rice grains with corn flour and rice flour in UK Rice Krispies and Coco Pops, following weather disruption to rice supplies.
Customers have since stared into their bowls, trying to establish whether the small pale fragments count as cereal, paperwork or evidence that breakfast has become a licensing arrangement. A man standing nearby said his spoon had requested legal representation.
Things deteriorated quickly. Within hours, the replacement grains had formed the United Association of Particles Too Small To Identify, elected a treacle-coloured crumb as general secretary and submitted a 47-page demand for improved working conditions. It asked for dry storage, fair milk and an end to being called “bits”.
“Some of us have been mistaken for dust, which is not in our contract.”
“We have been scattered across the country without a single team-building afternoon,” said Mavis Crumb, the union’s Acting Convenor for Surface Tension, from a saucer. “Some of us have been mistaken for dust. Our current contract does not cover that.”
The union then refused, symbolically, to become soggy until every grain had received individual thanks. Several kitchens stopped while spoons remained motionless and bowl-appointed mediators read from the International Treaty on Crunch.
The packet has also acquired a new wheat gluten warning. The cereal responded by setting up a Department of Nutritional Footnotes, which advised consumers that long exposure to tiny print can cause squinting, suspicion and a desire to rotate the packet under a lamp.
Kellogg’s real recipe change is, in fact, the straightforward result of weather disruption affecting rice supplies. The grain parliament, union and emotionally exhausted spoon were assembled by this newspaper’s breakfast desk from materials found under a sofa.
By lunchtime, the particles agreed to return to the bowl if recognised as “small edible colleagues”. Talks ended when the milk arrived without an appointment. The spoon has taken personal leave in a drawer until further notice.