Parrot Bypasses Airport Security To Challenge Everyone In The Terminal
A green bird turned an O’Hare terminal into a one-beak martial arts tournament before airport staff restored order.
CHICAGO, A green exotic bird entered a terminal at Chicago O’Hare International Airport on Tuesday, settled briefly on luggage and passengers, then pecked at anyone attempting an arrest. An airport worker eventually caught it. Witnesses called the episode short, concentrated and unusually committed to public irritation.
The International Bureau of Unscheduled Birds later reclassified the arrival as “a deliberate challenge to the soft tissue of modern aviation.” Its deputy assistant gull said the parrot had not really bypassed security. It had “decline[d] to participate in a system built around removing shoes while ignoring beaks.”
Passengers deployed the standard airport response: rolling suitcases, nervous pointing and one pretzel left behind near the seating area. The luggage soon formed a negotiating committee. It requested safe passage, larger overhead compartments and an end to being pulled across floors by people who “never once ask how the wheels are feeling.”
“The parrot did not evade security. It declined to participate.”
At 11:14 a.m., a green suitcase tried to mediate between the bird and a family of departure boards. The handle was pecked, and the suitcase described this as “an act of anti-baggage sentiment.” Nearby, an airport map turned slowly on its stand and began sending travellers to Gate 0, a terminal that does not exist and from which every flight leaves yesterday.
The scanner then became involved. Experts said it developed a personality with little warning. Instead of examining the bird, it flashed a red light and asked whether anybody had considered the parrot’s need for meaningful work. It printed a boarding pass for “The Department of Minor Feuds,” valid for one passenger, one bird and any number of grudges.
An airport worker caught the bird, as occurred in the real incident, and removed it from the area around the passengers. Nobody had to surrender a sandwich. The sandwich later filed a complaint, saying it had served as “bait without informed consent.” Officials rejected the filing after it conceded that it had been unattended for 47 minutes.
By evening, the Bureau of Unscheduled Birds had issued the terminal a provisional licence for future avian disputes. Contestants must wear visible name tags and avoid pecking the emotionally fragile. The parrot was placed in a secure location. It is said to be considering labour relations, representing luggage, pretzels and every object made to wait beside a gate without explanation.