Sea Vomit-Sniffing Dog Wins Animal Of The Year, Triggers Emergency Bureaucracy
Sgiath’s marine detective work has inspired a government department, three confused seals and one deeply emotional filing cabinet.
LOWER WOMBLEY, Sgiath, a black Labrador trained to find colonies of invasive carpet sea squirt, has been named animal of the year by the International Fund for Animal Welfare. The award has led directly to a national office whose purpose is to discuss sea vomit.
The Office of Marine Nuisances opened yesterday from a converted bus shelter. Its director, Mabel Quince, marked the occasion by sniffing a blank application form, which was later declared suspicious and put into quarantine.
“This is a proud day for detection, aquatic unpleasantness and dogs who have never once asked what the thing is called,” said Quince. She also holds the invented post of Deputy Coordinator for Names That Make Lunch Difficult.
“The sea has been asked to apologise by close of business Friday.”
Carpet sea squirt is invasive, and Sgiath’s actual job is to locate colonies so they can be dealt with. The new office has nevertheless decided that “sea vomit” is too important for ordinary public use. Anyone wishing to say it near a harbour must now apply for permission.
The first permit went to a pelican called Clive, who spent six hours outside the office in a knitted tie. Officials said the tie was not legally necessary, though it had “helped establish a tone of procedural seriousness”. Clive offered no comment. Pelicans do not operate microphones.
By then, the records room had developed its own difficulty. A filing cabinet has formed a strong emotional attachment to the word “squirt” and will no longer open unless staff call it “Captain”. It has also filed a complaint arguing that folders marked “miscellaneous” attack its dignity.
The cabinet’s concerns have reached the preliminary report. It recommends that “invasive marine creature” be replaced with “uninvited ocean guest”, followed by a compulsory apology from the sea. There is also a proposal for an annual parade, with working animals leading objects that have shown unusual courage around damp paperwork.
Sgiath’s award is the genuine centre of this story. The permits, Clive, the filing cabinet and the sea’s scheduled apology were lovingly fabricated by this newspaper, which regrets nothing except the absence of a suitable form.