British Forecasters Alarmed By Suspiciously Pleasant Autumn
With no named storms yet this season, weather experts have begun preparing emergency complaints and a ceremonial wind sock.
LONDON, British meteorologists have begun to worry that the UK has not had a named storm this season. The usual autumn stock of dramatic warnings is running low. High pressure and the jet stream have sent the rough weather elsewhere, leaving conditions calm, manageable and therefore open to suspicion.
Wetter, windier weather is expected later in autumn and winter. But the wait has unsettled people who spent the summer alphabetising storm names and practising their emergency rain faces. Several weather maps were found staring at the Atlantic with nothing important to circle in red.
The Committee for Seasonal Misery has formed a temporary subcommittee. It will examine whether other countries are deliberately keeping the pleasant weather for themselves. Its chair, Dr Pruella Fogbottom, said sabotage had been ruled out for now, though Scandinavia was being watched after showing “an unnecessarily confident amount of cloud.”
“A named storm is a national opportunity to cancel a barbecue.”
“A named storm is not merely a meteorological event,” Fogbottom said from beneath a damp ceremonial umbrella. “It gives the country a reason to cancel a barbecue, blame the railway and stand in a doorway saying the wind has changed.”
The shortage has reached the complaint register. The fictional leather-bound book, kept in a locked cupboard, has reportedly developed feelings and will no longer accept entries about ordinary drizzle. Its caretaker, Malcolm Quibble, said it wanted “a proper low-pressure system with consequences” before reopening.
So an emergency exercise was held. Fourteen junior forecasters practised looking grave at a map while an actor dressed as a gust of wind pushed one paper cup across a conference room. It was judged successful after one participant said, quietly, “this could get lively,” and the others nodded without looking up.
Meanwhile, the UK’s umbrellas have formed a provisional trade union and want paid leave during dry spells. Their elected representative, a folding umbrella called Marjorie, said members were tired of being carried about for weeks, opened once beside a bus shelter, then forgotten. “We were built for adversity,” Marjorie said. “Not decorative commuting.”
Officials at the Committee for Seasonal Misery say the country is ready for wetter and windier weather when it arrives. Until then, meteorologists have been told to keep their anxiety dignified, avoid enjoying the sunshine, and report cheerful-looking cloud formations to the nearest filing cabinet.