EU Assures New Members 15-Year Probationary Cage Does Not Constitute A Second Tier
Officials insist that keeping future member states strapped to the union's roof rack for 15 years is a core part of a completely equal partnership.
BRUSSELS, The European Commission has presented its latest plan for welcoming future member states: a 15-year probationary period offering every benefit of membership except rights, influence, or the ability to speak. Officials said the arrangement bears no resemblance whatsoever to a two-tier European Union.
Under the proposed safeguards, any new country showing bad behaviour during its first decade and a half can lose its voting rights. The Department of Identical Discrepancies said this does not create separate classes of members. It creates one unified tier with a deep trench at the bottom, running for 15 years.
“We are committed to treating every member state as an equal peer from day one, as long as day one falls in 2041,” said Silas Vance, the Commission’s Chief Officer of Theoretical Equality. New members will enter the single market in full, Vance said. Their parliamentary voting buttons will instead be replaced by brightly coloured stickers reading ‘Good Job’ and ‘Keep Trying’.
“There is only one tier. Some countries are just securely strapped to the roof rack.”
There will still be a seat at the table, in principle. Freshly joined nations will receive invitations to all major Brussels summits, although their delegations will wait in a room down the hall. Policy positions can be passed beneath a heavily bolted oak door, which officials said protects the structural integrity of the single tier.
The Commission will also issue identical EU flags to probationary states. Their versions will be printed on slightly flammable paper napkins rather than fabric. Countries that object to legislation may formally submit grievances to a large shredder outside the main assembly hall.
“The idea of a two-tier Europe offends our core values,” said Penelope Tusk, senior coordinator for the Committee on Temporary Permanent Exclusions. “There is one tier. Some countries are securely strapped to the roof rack for 15 years, to make sure they do not bite the upholstery. That is basic aerodynamics. It is not a hierarchy.”
The roof rack comes with rules. During the transition, any new member state suspected of misbehaviour faces immediate discipline: no access to the official cafeteria coffee machines, translation headsets replaced with white-noise generators, and heads of state wearing a heavy wooden sign saying ‘I am learning to share’ for official group photographs.
Brussels remains optimistic despite the safeguards. Aspiring member states have reportedly been told that, once the 15 years are over, they will automatically receive a slightly softer chair and a complimentary pen containing actual ink.