EU Directive Puts A Shower Inspector Behind Every Holiday Rental Curtain, Caps Air Con At 22 Degrees
A sweeping new legislative package will mandate mild atmospheric suffering, stringent hygiene schedules and punitive glitter across the continent.
BRUSSELS, The European Commission has unveiled a legislative package to harmonise holiday rentals across the continent. It is called the Directive on Guest Thermal and Hydraulic Conduct, a name apparently approved without anyone having to stay in a rental flat. Every short-term property in the bloc must now follow rules found on a laminated card in one moderately priced European apartment, establishing common standards for limited comfort and tightly scheduled washing.
Guests will no longer adjust the air conditioning. Thermostats must remain at 22 degrees Celsius, behind reinforced tamper-proof glass. The new Directorate General for Draughts and Breezes will send climate compliance officers around the continent to watch for tourists using promotional leaflets as fans or opening windows in daylight.
“For too long, the European vacationer has lived in a state of chaotic, unregulated comfort,” said Hannelore Von Schnitzel, Chief Inspector of the Bureau of Regulated Relaxation. “A mildly unsatisfactory temperature gives Europeans a shared experience of slight stickiness. That is the European project. You will sweat, and you will sweat in solidarity with your fellow citizens.”
“You will sweat, but you will sweat in solidarity with your fellow citizens.”
The temperature is only the beginning. Showering must take place between 18:00 and 21:00, during a centralised continental bathing window. Bathroom doors will receive timed biometric locks, while showerheads used outside those hours will release a fine mist of punitive glitter.
“We found that tourists were washing themselves indiscriminately, sometimes even in the morning,” said Jean-Claude Drizzle, Undersecretary for Aquatic Moderation. “This reckless pursuit of cleanliness disrupts the delicate hydrological balance of the host nation. From now on, you will queue outside the bathroom at 17:59 in your damp towel, exactly as the founding treaties intended.”
Rubbish will fall under the authority of the new European Court of Recycling Justice. Put a yoghurt carton in the paper bin and you will receive an immediate 100-euro fine, paid directly to a terrifyingly stern local resident appointed neighbourhood rubbish magistrate. Repeat offenders must spend the rest of their holiday sorting municipal waste in a high-visibility tabard.
There is still the dishwasher. It may run only when completely full and only on ECO, a cycle that must last at least seven hours under the Directive. Appliance Sentinels will carry out midnight inspections to make sure no half-loaded machine is spinning its rotary arms for nothing.
“The ECO setting is not a suggestion. It is a moral imperative,” Von Schnitzel added, polishing a clipboard. “If your plates come out a little greasy and smell of stagnant water, the system is working. True sustainability means eating from slightly cloudy crockery.”
The Directive is expected to pass through the European Parliament next week. A lobbying group of rogue holidaymakers raised mild objections, saying they would like to use a hairdryer without first completing a risk assessment form.