Microsoft Prepares To Save Gaming By Pricing Console Like A Used Car
Project Helix is reportedly headed for 2028 with a $1,200 to $1,800 price range, giving gamers a new way to finance despair.
LOWER WOMBLET, Microsoft is reportedly preparing a gaming handheld for next year, with Project Helix due in 2028 at somewhere between $1,200 and $1,800. The automotive industry has welcomed the figure. It has argued for years that entertainment works best when it comes with a suspicious rattle and only one usable key.
At $1,200, Project Helix costs about what you might pay for a dependable used car, provided the car has no doors, fails inspection and mainly exists to ask whether you are sure. At $1,800, shoppers will be comparing it with vehicles that have fewer processing cores but far better cup holders.
“This is excellent news for people who want the thrill of ownership without having to go anywhere,” said Mabel Quoin, chair of the Committee for Reasonable Electronics, from inside a dealer’s glove compartment. “Finally, a games machine can lose value before you’ve peeled off the plastic.”
“At last, a games machine can depreciate before you remove the plastic.”
The reported range has revived an old retail ritual: the customer is asked whether they want a warranty, roadside assistance, or a second controller priced above their first apartment. Early imaginary brochures promise a free air freshener shaped like a loading icon. Owners must also rotate the console every 5,000 hours. Presumably on a forecourt.
That is where the family pitch comes in. Analysts at the fictional Institute for Strategic Button Economics said families could be sold Project Helix as “a modest lifestyle upgrade,” if they already have a mortgage, an emergency mortgage and a small municipality willing to co-sign. The institute sent its report in a padded envelope, funded through an agreement with itself.
Used-car comparisons have drawn interest from the entirely invented Moore’s Motors and Interactive Media. Sales manager Clive Niblet reportedly put a laminated sign in the window: “One careful owner, mostly played racing games, some cosmetic damage to the menu.” Customers can take a test drive, although the console remains fixed to a wall. The wall has no insurance.
Microsoft’s actual reported plan is unchanged: a handheld next year, then Project Helix in 2028 for $1,200 to $1,800. The glove compartment, dealership and belief that gaming hardware needs a service history came from people who saw the price and started hearing engine noises.