UK Economy Grows 0.1%, Immediately Applies For Superpower Status
Ministers celebrate a microscopic expansion by unveiling plans to measure prosperity in increasingly optimistic fractions.
LONDON, The UK economy grew by 0.1% in August. Forecasts had expected a contraction, so the national mood rose about one millimetre from the floor. With the Budget approaching, ministers called it proof that Britain remains an economic powerhouse, so long as nobody expects it to pick up speed.
A spokesperson from the Office of Encouraging Numbers described the figure as “a tremendous victory for forward motion”. They said the economy had shown “the grit, stamina and tiny running shoes required to go somewhere eventually”. Where it was going remained outside the spokesperson’s remit.
The department has put 0.1% in a glass case beside a ceremonial ribbon and a brass plaque saying: PLEASE DO NOT JOSTLE. Members of the public can admire its resilience from three feet away, safely beyond the reach of wage figures, prices and household bills.
“It is growth in the spiritual sense, the atmospheric sense and, if you squint, the sense in which a queue has grown because one person joined it.”
“This is not growth in the conventional sense,” said Percival Nook, deputy director of the newly invented Unit for Turning Fractions Into Banners. “It is growth in the spiritual sense. The atmospheric sense. Or the sense in which a queue has grown because someone joined it.”
That comparison did most of the work. Officials now want every national result measured against the bleakest prediction available. Under the proposed system, avoiding a fall through the floor counts as a dramatic leap forward. Staying upright becomes a structural boom.
A man standing nearby said he had long considered the economy resilient because it kept existing while everyone called it fragile. His own finances, he said, had behaved much the same way after several months of being opened, inspected and left face down on a table.
The celebration will continue until the Budget arrives, or until someone announces the next decimal place. Economists asked the public to handle the 0.1% carefully; too much attention could turn it into 0.09%, or a slogan on a mug. For now, the economy remains officially unstoppable at walking pace.