Betelgeuse’s Companion Star Faces Fine For Interstellar Lane Hogging
Radio observations suggest Siwarha is crossing Betelgeuse’s atmosphere, prompting an entirely imaginary cosmic traffic investigation.
LOWER WOMBLEY, Sam Sideways reports that radio telescope observations now suggest Siwarha, Betelgeuse’s companion star, is moving through the red supergiant’s outer atmosphere. Astronomers call this a remarkable stellar finding. Lower Wombley has filed it as a road-safety incident involving two enormous objects and, regrettably, no road.
The Department of Celestial Road Safety has opened a case file. It sent Siwarha an eight-page form covering headlights, Betelgeuse’s consent to the lane change, and any previous towing by nebula. Mirella Quench, the department’s interim deputy for stellar lane etiquette, said a reflective vest would be provided.
“We have issued the star a reflective vest, but it keeps wearing it as a hat,” Quench said. “This is precisely the kind of casual drifting that makes the rest of the universe nervous.” The department has yet to settle whether a star can collect penalty points, largely because nobody has located a pen capable of getting near one.
“Every star gets two lunch breaks and one right to drift dramatically.”
Betelgeuse’s outer atmosphere has submitted a formal complaint, written in steam on a red envelope and carried in by a very determined comet. It says Siwarha entered without indicating, failed to exchange insurance details, and made several molecules feel “surprisingly observed”. The atmosphere also asked for a quiet afternoon and a larger mailbox.
Siwarha has since joined the new Outer Atmosphere Workers’ Union. Its chairman, Ossie Trundle, said the members are tired of being treated as decorative background scenery. “Every star gets two lunch breaks and one legally binding right to drift dramatically,” Trundle said. “If management wants atmospheric ploughing, management can provide atmospheric boots.”
A temporary traffic cone now sits near Betelgeuse, roughly 640 light-years from the nearest road. It is Cone 44-B. Witnesses say it has developed strong feelings about the posting. “I was manufactured for roadworks, not interstellar diplomacy,” it said, glowing faintly with administrative disappointment.
The case has moved to the Office of Forms That Cannot Be Completed, where the main filing cabinet has become sentient and will not process an application without a snack. Siwarha continues through Betelgeuse’s atmosphere. The universe is still waiting to learn whether the offence is drifting, ploughing, or failing to display a celestial parking permit.