Japan Announces First Martian Moon Expedition, Potato To Be Assessed
A Japanese probe will collect Phobos soil, allowing experts to describe a small, lumpy rock as an extreme destination.
TOKYO, Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency is preparing a mission to collect soil from Phobos, one of Mars’s moons, and bring it back to Earth. It is being called a world first. Fair enough. Nobody has yet returned with a handful of this particular space dirt.
The new Office of Orbital Prestige has described the trip as the solar system’s leading mountaineering expedition. Miki Tansy, its director of vertical achievement, said Phobos would be classified as an alpine environment, although it is a small potato-shaped lump with no ski lifts, chalets or obvious need for the word “alpine.”
“It is not about the size of the mountain,” Tansy said. “It is about the bravery required to stand near something that would fit comfortably in a cupboard marked Seasonal Vegetables.”
“It is about the bravery required to stand near a cupboard-sized vegetable.”
That cupboard has now acquired a brochure. The fictional International Council for Unnecessarily Dramatic Terrain describes the Phobos mission as offering rock, dust and “a haunting absence of handrails.” It advises visitors to pack gloves, goggles and a strong sense of proportion. It also suggests a photograph beside the moon, which will be several million times less cooperative than any landmark with a visitor centre.
The samples should give scientists useful material for studying the Martian system. The Office of Orbital Prestige has other plans for the soil. It wants achievement grades, beginning with Casual Lunar Gravel and ending at Advanced Interplanetary Scree. Anyone able to pronounce Phobos correctly while looking modest near a telescope will reportedly receive a certificate.
The paperwork is ready. At a rehearsal in a warehouse containing three folding ladders and a decorative globe, expedition safety marshal Quillan Sprocket demonstrated the approved victory pose. You plant a flag, stare into the middle distance and ignore the fact that the horizon ended about six feet away. An official expedition boot, speaking through a vent in its display case, asked for a more demanding surface next time.
The mission itself remains a serious attempt to collect and return samples from Phobos, which would be scientifically significant. The certificates, brochure, grading system and talking boot came from this newspaper, because apparently a tiny Martian rock was not already doing enough for science.