Dr. Pat Hypothesis
Pat holds a doctorate from a university Pat would rather not name and has never once been wrong in a way that could be measured.
Japan Launches Deep-Space Gravel Run To Mars’s Moon
The historic mission will travel millions of miles to collect samples from Phobos, because apparently Earth has run out of rocks.
The Nation Can No Longer Pretend Its Sleeves Stay Dry
A damp cuff is not a minor inconvenience. It is the loose thread from which civilisation is currently unravelling.
Scientists Unveil Pocket Device That Gives Objects A Brief Sense Of Direction
The Wayfinder 3000 reportedly persuades lost items to walk home, provided they have legs, a destination and modest expectations.
Japan Announces First Martian Moon Expedition, Potato To Be Assessed
A Japanese probe will collect Phobos soil, allowing experts to describe a small, lumpy rock as an extreme destination.
Unpopular opinion: Weekends are a scam as big as a calendar with a trapdoor
Dr. Pat Hypothesis exposes the two-day leisure racket, fuelled by damp laundry, unfinished errands and one extremely suspicious alarm clock.
Honeybees Declare Every Flower A Private Members’ Club
A study found honeybees pushing aside wild pollinators, prompting an entirely imaginary floral security crackdown.
I Asked My Home Devices To Think For Themselves. They Formed A Parliament
A personal account of the week my household technology developed policies, factions and a surprisingly strong view on toast.
Dark Skies Festival Announces Revolutionary Return To Standing Outside At Night
Exmoor’s tenth anniversary festival is drawing crowds with astronomy, nature and the increasingly premium experience of darkness.
Museum Drawer Accidentally Stores Apex Predator For 90 Years
A forgotten Isle of Wight fossil has been identified as a new giant-clawed predator, raising questions about museum filing systems and survival instincts.
Neglectful Gardeners Hail Weeds As Britain’s New Conservation Elite
An eight-year pollinator study has given abandoned lawns the scientific prestige their owners always suspected they deserved.
My Theory: Spoons Are Quietly Running The Weather
After years of observation, I have concluded that teaspoons control local weather by rearranging themselves whenever nobody is looking.
Unpopular opinion: Smartwatches Are a Scam as Big as the Motorised Toast Rack
Strapping a temperamental miniature television to your sleeve just to be insulted by an animated envelope is an affront to the history of pendulums.
Health Officials Rebrand Uncontrollable Terror As Wholesome Daily Wellness
Following research into the benefits of fear, health advisers suggest twenty minutes of unmitigated panic can comfortably replace morning meditation.
Scientists Stunned to Discover Human Eyeball Operating Unpermitted Plumbing System
Researchers express professional betrayal after discovering the human eye has been secretly flushing fluid into the lymphatic system without municipal approval.
Study Finds Microwave Ovens Heat Food By Rotating Entire Universe Around The Mug
Astrophysicists confirm that countertop appliances do not spin your dinner, but instead violently heave the cosmos around a stationary bowl of lukewarm stew.
Astronomers Urge Tiny Star to Chew Faster as Billions-Long Feast Drags On
A low-mass star three hundred light-years away has spent an eternity nibbling on its brown dwarf neighbor with no intention of clearing the table.
My Smart Trousers Are Demanding A Firmware Update Before I Can Bend My Knees
We put microchips in cotton blends, but nobody stopped to ask what happens when your pants decide you need a posture patch while crossing the street.
Time Travel Pager Used Exclusively To Send Petty Complaints Five Minutes Into The Past
Early adopters of the groundbreaking tachyon device are completely wasting the miracle of time travel to text themselves about stubbed toes and spilled coffee.
Physics Society Turns Off Gravity For Summer Fete To Boost Ticket Sales
Organisers of the Upper Dipley village festival confirm that switching off the laws of classical mechanics has been a huge success, despite the floating sheep.
Archaeologists Thrilled To Discover Empty Hole Where A Stick Used To Be
The scientific community is celebrating a landmark breakthrough after successfully locating a rock cavity that used to contain a piece of wood.
Unpopular opinion: Air fryers are a scam as big as the electric spoon
The bestselling appliance is nothing more than a noisy plastic box that uses wind and pure intimidation to bully our potatoes into submission.
Scientists Discover Corporate Jargon Generates Subatomic Particles That Alter Room Gravity
The newly identified 'Meetingon' particle is created by corporate buzzwords and physically traps employees in their chairs by increasing the mass of the room.
Scientists Discover Localized Black Hole Caused By Overlapping Calendar Invites
Researchers confirm that attempting to find a mutually agreeable time for a brief alignment chat can completely destroy the fabric of spacetime.
The Fitted Sheet Crisis Threatens The Very Fabric Of Our Nation
Every night, millions of citizens are violently awakened by a rogue elasticated corner, and it is time for emergency measures to be taken before we lose our minds.