Physics Society Turns Off Gravity For Summer Fete To Boost Ticket Sales
Organisers of the Upper Dipley village festival confirm that switching off the laws of classical mechanics has been a huge success, despite the floating sheep.
UPPER DIPLEY, Residents of a small provincial village are tethered to streetlamps and sturdy oaks after the local physics society turned off gravity for its annual summer fete. Organisers report record crowds across the three-day suspension of physical law. Several dozen attendees are also bobbing against the ceiling of the main beer tent, having released their overpriced hotdogs at the wrong moment.
Village handyman and amateur theoretical physicist Clive Spigot produced the local zero-gravity field on Friday morning. His apparatus consists of a modified combine harvester, several miles of copper wire and a shiny quartz crystal from a seaside gift shop. It cancels the curvature of spacetime within the village boundary. The machine uses standard unleaded petrol and sounds like a washing machine full of spanners.
“We usually just have a tombola and a contest to guess the weight of the marrow,” said festival chairwoman Penelope Higginbottom, holding the parish-hall gutters to avoid leaving the ground. “But Clive promised something spectacular to boost ticket sales. The sack race has become difficult because people float indefinitely once they step into the burlap. We are trying to retrieve the vicar from the bell tower with a very long fishing rod.”
“We usually just have a tombola and a contest to guess the weight of the marrow.”
The lack of gravitational pull has required adjustments. The tea-and-cake stall now fires lukewarm Earl Grey from a heavily pressurised thermos, allowing customers to glide past and catch the floating tea spheres in their mouths. The bouncy castle did less well. Its first occupants bounced into the canopy of a nearby oak.
The brass band has had problems of its own. Players are suspended thirty feet in the air, which has affected several popular marching tunes. The tuba player is rotating upside down, while the trombonist propelled himself backwards into a flock of hovering ducks. The drum major has been unreachable since Friday afternoon and continues to circle the weather vane.
Still, most villagers consider the fete an improvement on last year’s event, which mild drizzle ruined. The local council has told residents to wear weighted boots and keep household pets indoors. A herd of confused sheep was seen near the church spire, bleating with considerable concern.
Safety inspectors from the regional authority arrived on Saturday afternoon. They did not issue a closure notice because they floated into the branches of a large elm immediately after leaving their vehicle. Chief inspector Simon Pith, speaking from the foliage, said the fete violated several municipal bylaws, including those requiring adherence to the universal gravitational constant.
As the weekend ends, Spigot intends to power down the combine harvester and restore standard physics. He has advised floating residents to position themselves over soft ground before the machine is switched off. Those currently above the duck pond have been warned that terrestrial acceleration will return without much ceremony.