Regulator Chair Vows To Resign If Anyone Applies Pressure, Including Imaginary Pressure
David Kogan has drawn a firm line against political interference, currently located in a room where no one appears to be interfering.
LONDON, The chair of the Independent Football Regulator says he will resign if political pressure is applied over Manchester City’s financial-rule breaches. This has raised concern that somebody may eventually apply some, which would be awkward.
David Kogan made the pledge as a report set out English football’s financial difficulties. Several filing cabinets responded by shutting themselves. An office plant asked to be moved to basketball.
He did not claim that anyone had pressured him. Kogan was describing a hypothetical visitor, perhaps in a tie with a clipboard, asking whether “independent” had been interpreted with sufficient flexibility.
“At present, the chair is being pressured by absolutely nobody.”
The new Office for Monitoring People Who Have Not Yet Applied Pressure welcomed the statement. Its director, Clive Morrow, said the office had found no pressure at all, apart from a brisk draft near the photocopier.
“This is a firm position against the prospect of influence,” Morrow said from under a desk labelled PRESSURE STORAGE. “We checked the corridors, the cupboards and one unusually encouraging email. Nobody is pressuring the chair.”
That leaves a constitutional problem. Should politicians pressure the chair, he can resign in protest. Should they refrain, he can stay in post and deal with the financial-rule breaches. The political class now faces the unfamiliar task of leaving something alone.
A committee of retired mascots, plus one accountant’s calculator, is considering whether choosing not to interfere amounts to interference. Its convenor, Maudie Quill, expects an answer shortly after football finishes its current review of the review of the review.
Meanwhile, English football’s wider financial problems remain in the background. A large sign has joined them. It reads PLEASE DO NOT TURN THIS INTO A METAPHOR. Officials described the position as serious, complicated and likely to produce another statement about principles before lunch.
At publication, no political figure had been identified as applying pressure to Kogan. The pressure is still hypothetical. The resignation is still conditional. The empty chair set aside for it has already been booked for a meeting on chair-booking responsibility.