Sports
People running about, reported by people sitting down.
Lower Wombley Bus Wins Championship After Completing Route Backwards
By Gary Opinions: The town’s new competitive transit league has crowned a bus that travelled entirely in reverse while politely missing every stop.
World Series Guarantees One Fanbase A Championship, And Several Objects A Nervous Breakdown
The Rays' 7-3 win over the Guardians sent Tampa Bay to face Milwaukee, where even the stadium furniture is preparing for history.
Rain Delays Cricket, Prompts Five-Day Celebration Of Watching Weather
Players remain ready as ground staff inspect the wet outfield and spectators discover that radar has a surprisingly strong defensive technique.
Wembley Crowd Completes Four-Hour Ritual Of Pretending To Understand Football
British fans attended Texans v Jaguars at Wembley, bravely treating every unexplained whistle as part of the cultural exchange.
Wigan Victory Ends With League Table Declaring Itself Load-Bearing
A 1-0 win over Reading briefly lifted spirits, before the League One table revealed it had become legally and emotionally attached to the bottom.
Ombudsman Wins Champion Stakes After Thorough Investigation Into Being First
The Ascot winner delivered a three-and-three-quarter-length verdict, pending an audit of whether the finish was procedurally satisfactory.
Supermarket Trolley Wins Regional Championship After Refusing To Carry Groceries
Bumblebasket’s champion trolley completed the Lower Wombley Indoor Pentathlon without touching a single item from aisle seven.
Brewers Reach World Series, Prompt Immediate Unionisation Of All Price Tags
Milwaukee’s 6-4 comeback inspired every object in baseball to demand representation, snacks and a strict no-sweeping policy.
European Football Launches Search For Literally Anyone To Challenge Infantino
Officials say the hunt is progressing well, after three footballs, a stapler and an unusually determined pigeon entered the process.
WNBA Trash Talkers Win Sport’s First Golden Megaphone Championship
A historical celebration of basketball’s most refined art form has prompted officials to consider scoring insults alongside points, rebounds and other minor statistics.
Lower Wombley Queue Declared Official Sporting Event After 11-Hour Warm-Up
Applicants seeking queue licences have accidentally qualified for the town’s inaugural competitive waiting final.
Lower Wombley University Recruits Its First Competitive Cloud
The newly formed athletics department says its weather-based squad has already secured a promising breeze and a deeply confusing mascot.
Regulator Chair Vows To Resign If Anyone Applies Pressure, Including Imaginary Pressure
David Kogan has drawn a firm line against political interference, currently located in a room where no one appears to be interfering.
Office Workers Win Promotion By Defeating A Sentient Spreadsheet
Lower Wombley’s new cubicle sport has turned quarterly reviews into a contest involving helmets, foam arrows and one unusually athletic filing cabinet.
Bills Discover Overtime Is Legally Allowed To End In Their Favour
After Buffalo’s 37-34 overtime win, a government office has finally explained the rules to everyone, including overtime itself.
Football Regulator Hands Out Wooden Abacuses After 94% of Clubs Fail Basic Subtraction
Inspectors introduce primary school counting beads after discovering football boardrooms believed spending more than they earned generated extra money via magic.
American Football Welcomes London By Starting With A Queue For Ejections
The Jaguars and Eagles opened their London game by turning the opening kickoff into a full administrative ceremony.
The Regional Middle Management League Has Completely Lost Its Way
As a lifelong fan of professional synergising, I cannot sit by and watch these rookies ruin the sport with actual productivity.
American Investors Realise Everton Ownership Is Just Expensive Performance Art
The Friedkin Group is exploring a sale of the club less than two years after taking over, having finally noticed the ongoing psychic toll.
Local Hovering Festival Ruined By Athletes Floating Unprofessionally High
Sports columnist Gary Opinions reports on a disastrous weekend in Greater Snodbury, where a complete lack of gravity led to the worst sporting event of the season.
European football clubs eagerly abandon centuries of history to pretend they like basketball
With billions of dollars on the line, traditional soccer teams are replacing their grass pitches with hardwood and teaching goalkeepers how to dribble.
London Broncos Promoted To Super League After Algorithm Defeated By Very Large Cheque
The rugby league grading system has been safely ignored after overseas investors pointed out that London is a much larger city than Barrow.
Mikel Arteta’s New Contract Grants Manager Absolute Veto Over North London Gravity
The Arsenal boss has extended his stay until 2030 with an agreement that officially classes the stadium plumbing and the official club dog as tactical assets.
The Tactical Genius Of Breaking A Goal Drought With A Backside Deflection
When your feet have forgotten how to play football, it is time to trust the pure, oblivious geometry of your own glutes to get you back on the scoresheet.