Marathon Cancelled After Runners Agree It Is “Quite Far”
Organizers will instead hold a 400-metre stroll with snacks at the halfway point.
LOWER WOMBLEY, The annual Lower Wombley Marathon has been cancelled three days before the starting pistol. Registered runners experienced a sudden collective realization that twenty-six miles is actually an incredibly long way to travel on foot. The decision was reached during a mandatory pre-race pasta dinner at the civic center. Participants began looking at a printed map of the route and slowly shaking their heads. Rather than complete the circuit through the municipal recycling district, the athletic community voted to just go home. And sit down.
“We were going over the elevation changes when somebody pointed out that we could simply not do this,” said Regional Jogging Czar Brenda Plinth. She had been scheduled to run dressed as a giant piece of toast. The mood in the room shifted instantly. One man whispered that he had a perfectly good couch in his living room, and the remaining tension left the banquet hall. Plinth noted that driving the route in a midsize sedan would take nearly forty-five minutes. Doing it in running shoes made no sense at all.
The movement started with local accountant Kevin Hamsby. He was examining the laminated race brochure when he noticed the actual physical distance. It was exactly equivalent to walking to the adjacent town of Upper Wombley, turning around, and walking back again for absolutely no reason. Hamsby shared this observation with the surrounding tables. The runners stopped eating. Several athletes immediately untied their high-performance shoes and tossed them into a decorative water feature. Then they ordered more garlic bread.
“We realized that driving the route in a car would take nearly an hour.”
Event coordinators tried to maintain order. The crowd had already begun chanting about the virtues of remaining stationary. So the organizing committee hastily proposed an alternative event to salvage the weekend. The revised athletic challenge will now consist of a gentle four-hundred-metre stroll across a flat parking area behind the municipal library. The new route includes a designated resting station halfway through. Participants will be provided with folding chairs and an assortment of miniature cheeses.
“It is a demanding new course,” explained Chief Distance Apologist Terry Finkel. “But we believe our athletes are up to the challenge of walking for roughly five minutes.” Emergency medical personnel will stand near the gouda tray just in case anyone feels a slight twinge in their calves. Participants can even take an official taxi for the final fifty metres if the autumn breeze becomes too aggressive.
The shift in athletic philosophy has rippled outward. The local cycling club cancelled their upcoming century ride on Tuesday. They concluded that bicycles were originally invented so people would not have to pedal that much. The municipal swimming pool also adapted. Management drained the deep end and replaced it with a large floral sofa. Patrons can now simply look at the dry tiles while wearing comfortable robes.
Registered participants who spent months raising money for local charities will still collect their pledges. They argue their sponsors should pay them for having the basic common sense to avoid unnecessary knee strain. The official winner of the marathon will be determined by whoever takes the longest afternoon nap on Sunday. The golden trophy will be delivered directly to their bedside by a very quiet postal worker.