World Series Guarantees One Fanbase A Championship, And Several Objects A Nervous Breakdown
The Rays' 7-3 win over the Guardians sent Tampa Bay to face Milwaukee, where even the stadium furniture is preparing for history.
ST. PETERSBURG, The Tampa Bay Rays beat the Cleveland Guardians 7-3 in Game 6 of the American League Championship Series and moved on to face the Milwaukee Brewers in the World Series. One long-suffering fanbase will get a championship. Several household objects, by all accounts, will need counselling.
The International Office of Unfinished Droughts welcomed the news. The fictional bureau keeps track of teams that have spent years looking at trophies with the strained patience of a person waiting for a kettle to do its only job. Director Millicent Crumb said both clubs had been moved into a special category: “Almost There, Please Stop Asking.” They join a half-built bookshelf and a kettle that has never quite boiled.
“We are preparing two congratulatory banners,” Crumb said. “One will be used after the final. The other will be folded into a small emotional support tent for whichever fanbase has to wait longer.”
“The staplers are panicking.”
The office would not explain where the banners came from. One was later seen in a supply cupboard, whispering to itself.
That uncertainty has reached Milwaukee. A committee of ceremonial objects held an emergency meeting inside a locked equipment shed, where Leonard, a baseball cap and the committee chair, suggested fitting the championship trophy with tiny wheels. His reasoning was that it could then roll away from difficult conversations. A wooden spoon objected. It said it had already spent too many years serving as a metaphor.
The Rays arrived here after that 7-3 win, which ended the ALCS in six games. Now the Brewers stand between Tampa Bay and its first title. Tampa Bay stands between Milwaukee and precisely the same thing. Several imaginary accountants called this “a remarkably efficient distribution of hope.”
Hope, naturally, has created paperwork. The Association of Unclaimed Banners ordered every stadium flag to remain neutral until the final result is known. The flags accepted the ruling after securing access to a quiet room, a bowl of cold water, and quarterly meetings in which they can discuss being waved without consent.
Officials at the newly established Bureau of Championship Feelings said the winner will receive a trophy, a parade, and permission to say “finally” without having to explain it. The loser gets a commemorative certificate reading “You Were Also Incredibly Close.” The paper becomes damp whenever someone sighs nearby.
Fans on both sides have been advised to keep expectations manageable. Old highlight reels should be avoided, and any furniture in the home should be reassured that it remains valued regardless of the outcome. The winner will lift the trophy. The loser will be asked to hold the ladder.
A spokesperson for the committee, speaking from inside a filing cabinet, said, “We have never seen two fanbases this close to closure, and frankly the staplers are panicking.”