Supermarket Trolley Wins Regional Championship After Refusing To Carry Groceries
Bumblebasket’s champion trolley completed the Lower Wombley Indoor Pentathlon without touching a single item from aisle seven.
LOWER WOMBLEY, By Gary Opinions. The Bumblebasket supermarket trolley fleet has won the town’s Indoor Pentathlon after its lead cart completed five sporting disciplines carrying only a coupon for reduced custard.
The winner, a chrome trolley called Trolley McTrolleyface, beat three rival carts in the 400-metre wheelie, precision basket toss, silent slalom and the event organisers called “standing near a banana with competitive intent”. Supermarket fencing was meant to finish the programme. The fencing politely apologised and left.
Lionel Crumpet, Bumblebasket’s assistant deputy aisle navigator, pushed the trolley throughout. He said it had trained since infancy, rolling slow circles behind the frozen peas. “It has always had excellent posture,” Crumpet said. “Even when parked badly, it looks like it is considering a medal.”
“It has always had excellent posture.”
That posture seems to have counted. Chief adjudicator Maudlin Sprig awarded the gold trophy after deciding the trolley had reached “an unprecedented level of shopping-related athleticism”. The panel particularly noted its jump over a promotional display, completed without a change of direction, expression or wheel alignment.
By then, people had gathered around the bakery counter. Trolley McTrolleyface performed three tight turns, gave a ceremonial squeak and paused beside the self-service scales for longer than was strictly necessary. One man nearby said he had never seen anything so moving. He may have been discussing a conveyor belt.
Bumblebasket’s invented sports department has submitted the trolley for the Lower Wombley team at the forthcoming International Championship of Things With Handles. Dr Pippa Noodle, the department’s spokesperson, said it would enter the advanced division. Competitors there must carry a melon, remember a loyalty code and remain calm when a child puts a shoe in the basket.
Celebrations continued until closing time. Trolley McTrolleyface was then placed beneath a knitted blanket and given a ceremonial receipt four metres long. Officials said it contained no discounts, no legal tender, and one line that read, “Please present this at the moon.”