SatireReal story, exaggerated until it confessesTech · 2 min read

JustWatch Launches A Streaming Service To Solve The Streaming Service Problem

The streaming guide has responded to platform overload by adding another platform, with ads, rentals and a subscription for people seeking peace.

Stock photo: laptop on desk
Stock photo for illustration. The events described did not happen. Photo: parveender / Pixabay

STREAMING LAND, JustWatch has launched JustWatch TV, offering free ad-supported films, rentals and paid subscriptions without adverts. The streaming industry is now one service nearer to perfect circularity.

JustWatch already tells people where films and shows can be found. It has now added another place to find them. Viewers can use JustWatch to locate JustWatch TV, then open a fresh menu and begin looking for something to watch all over again.

“We are delighted to announce that the answer to streaming fragmentation is now available in several subscription tiers,” said Pelham Quince, deputy coordinator of the International Office for Reducing the Number of Apps. “Customers can watch adverts, pay for a rental, or pay more to avoid adverts for other things they could pay for.”

“The answer to too many services is one more service with a helpful logo.” — Pelham Quince, deputy coordinator of the International Office for Reducing the Number of Apps

That leaves one more choice. Instead of simply working out which existing service has a film, customers can ask whether it is on JustWatch TV. Then they can determine whether it is free, rented, part of a subscription, or behind a small icon resembling a locked door.

The Committee for Calm Menus tested the arrangement with one person searching for a comedy from the 1990s. Fourteen minutes passed. There were three passwords, two billing screens, and a trailer that started without permission. The participant called the system “remarkably comprehensive” before moving to another room.

The service will also protect the industry’s delicate ecosystem by making sure every viewer has at least one subscription they do not recall taking out. At the platform’s imaginary headquarters, a tiny ceremonial screen has reportedly been set aside for the first person to say, “I thought I cancelled that,” while holding a remote and examining a bank statement.

The cupboard was already full. A spokesperson for the Association of Streaming Services That Are Definitely Not All The Same spoke from inside a drawer of HDMI cables and called the launch “a bold new chapter in the history of adding shelves to an already full cupboard.” The industry, the spokesperson said, still intends to make every film available everywhere, once viewers have located the correct everywhere.

Analysts say the new development gives the fragmentation crisis a name, an icon and a monthly price. At press time, a television displayed a loading circle while four separate apps politely asked whether the household was still watching.

How did this land?