Streaming Guide Ends Fragmentation By Becoming Another Streaming Service
JustWatch TV promises to simplify streaming, then immediately hands viewers a second remote and a form requiring three forms of identification.
LOWER WOMBLEY, Sam Sideways reports. JustWatch, the streaming guide intended to help people locate programmes across the fractured entertainment landscape, has launched its own service, JustWatch TV. It has free films with adverts, rentals and paid subscriptions without adverts. Viewers now have another place to search for something they have already failed to find elsewhere.
The International Association of Apps That Have Accidentally Become The Thing They Organise welcomed the launch. The body operates from a revolving door in a business park outside Lower Wombley. Its chair, Clive Porridge, said the streaming crisis had been solved by building another room onto it.
“The important thing is that fragmentation is now available in a more convenient format,” Porridge said. He wore a lanyard listing 14 separate passwords, plus one password for the lanyard. “Users can enjoy the familiar panic of choosing what to watch. Now they get a fresh panic about where they are watching it.”
“Fragmentation is now available in a more convenient format.”
The shelves have begun to sort themselves out. Comedy remains optimistic. Drama has requested a transfer. The documentary shelf contains a 93-minute film about the difficulty of locating the documentary shelf. Films in the rentals section cost no extra, according to reports, though customers must return them to a kiosk somewhere in 2014.
That has put pressure on the remotes. The nation’s streaming remotes have formed a negotiating council after learning that each new service requires a button of its own, or something close enough to one. A spokesman called Philip, a remote control with a cracked volume key, said members wanted weekends, dental cover and recognition of the pause button as a basic human right.
Talks stopped when the television entered and declared itself a platform. “I have spent years displaying everyone else’s content while receiving no say in the matter,” said the television, communicating through a small blue light. “From now on, I will recommend programmes according to my own feelings, which are mostly static.”
The next stage is already being mapped. Analysts at the Bureau of Excessive Choice expect JustWatch TV to issue a guide to JustWatch TV, then a subscription tier for that guide, then a premium guide explaining which tier includes the guide. The bureau’s forecast model finished its work by opening a tiny streaming service and requesting a credit card.
JustWatch TV is a real service offering free, rental and ad-free options. The organised remotes, emotional television, 2014 kiosk returns and the bureau’s tiny platform are made up. The industry should still avoid taking notes.