Bus Passengers Told To Prove Their Tinny Music Is An Intentional DJ Set
Proposed £100 fines for loud phone music on buses could force commuters to submit playlists, stage names and a convincing bass drop.
LONDON, passengers playing loud music on buses in England could face fines of up to £100 under proposed government measures on antisocial behaviour on public transport.
The prospect has unsettled the country’s least accomplished musicians, especially those broadcasting half a song through a phone speaker while the rest vanishes into static.
Under an emergency interpretation from the newly invented Office For Audible Intent, commuters may have to show that the noise is a planned public DJ set, rather than something their pocket has done without consulting them. A stage name would help. So would a laminated set list, plus one person willing to stand near the driver and nod gravely.
“Yesterday I was a nuisance. Today I am DJ Pocket Static.”
“We are not against music,” said Pruella Fizz, spokesperson for the committee’s Sub-Bass and Minor Irritations Division. “We are against music that arrives uninvited, has no bass, and appears to be playing from inside a lunchbox.”
Those caught listening loudly would reportedly choose between the fine or a brisk tribunal. There, they must explain their artistic intentions to three inspectors, a folding table, and a bus shelter that has seen things. Appeals remain possible if the defendant can show the track formed part of a coherent cultural programme, rather than being the first result after typing “best tunes” into a search bar.
A man standing nearby said the new rule could create work for thousands of accidental professionals. “Yesterday I was a nuisance,” he said. “Today I am DJ Pocket Static, curator of an immersive journey through compressed audio and declining battery life.” He played the chorus again, apparently for continuity.
Officials expect the measures to focus on music played loudly through phone speakers. They have yet to decide whether someone humming quietly, but with confidence, counts as an unlicensed acoustic venue. Commuters have been advised to carry headphones and, ideally, know which end of the cable goes into the phone.
One passenger has already prepared an intention-based defence. “If the inspector asks whether I meant to play it out loud, I will say yes,” said a woman holding a phone on 3% battery. “Then I will ask whether the government is ready for my encore.”