Bus Inspectors Demand Proof That Loud Music Is A Deliberate DJ Set
Passengers face £100 fines unless they can prove their tinny phone audio is an intentional public performance with emotional depth.
LOWER WOMBLEY, A proposal to fine bus passengers up to £100 for loud music has received an administrative interpretation from the Department of Unnecessary Rhythm. Commuters are now potential nightclubs. Bus seats count as licensed dance floors.
Passengers can avoid the fine if they prove the sound from their phone is a deliberate public DJ set, rather than a song escaping through a speaker the size of a biscuit. A stage name will do. So will a laser pointer or a solemn nod during the chorus.
Myrtle Crankshaft, chief assessor of Unplanned Atmosphere, said inspectors would learn the difference between antisocial noise and “a brave, underfunded residency beside the emergency exit”. The department has bought 400 tiny velvet ropes. No location has yet been identified for them.
“Every bus seat is now a licensed dance floor with paperwork.”
“Accidental bass carries a £100 fine,” Crankshaft said. “Deliberate bass requires a set list, a lighting plan and three references from people who have seen the passenger nod meaningfully near a speaker.”
The buses have taken this personally. Bus 14 developed stage fright after an inspector asked whether it preferred grime or ambient music. A double-decker parked near the library then declined to open its doors until passengers applauded its contribution to local culture.
The passengers’ association has joined forces, temporarily, with the buses, ticket machines and one highly expressive handrail. They want every journey classified as a live event, so passengers can claim artistic freedom when their headphones die. They also want inspectors to stop describing an instrumental version of a song as “evidence”.
A man standing nearby said he once played music aloud by mistake and now had to explain his “sonic choices” to three pigeons. They wore lanyards and seemed to be taking minutes.
By Friday, the department had installed a colour-coded warning system. Green means the music is quiet. Amber means it contains a suspiciously confident hi-hat. Red means the passenger must immediately act as though they are mixing a festival set. Anyone who plays the same song twice could be ordered to headline the 6.42pm service to the industrial estate.
The proposal still concerns loud music. But Lower Wombley’s buses have begun preparing for broader cultural work. The number 9 has applied to become a jazz venue, and the ticket machine at the central stop is seeking recognition as a difficult but important electronic artist.