Investor Pays Record $14m for 1998 Jordan Jersey to Own Vintage Sweat
Financial analysts confirm that fourteen million dollars represents excellent value for several grams of dried 1998 championship electrolytes trapped in red mesh.
If AI Can End Civilisation, the Least It Could Do Is Curdle First
Gary Opinions argues that if algorithmic systems pose an existential risk to humanity, they should at least give off a pungent odour after three days on the counter.
Government Insists Defence Pledges Completely Realistic If Someone Lends £35bn
Officials maintain the military budget is mathematically watertight, apart from the small remaining requirement to borrow thirty-five billion pounds before Tuesday.
Debt Advisers Successfully Eradicate Small Debts by Invoicing Clients for Even Larger Sums
Firms defend steep charges after regulators warn borrowers that replacing a modest credit balance with a five-figure consultation invoice does not count as relief.
EU Summit Left with Unused Ring Lights After Member States Fail to Find Single Influencer
A major European Council initiative to explain summit conclusions through dance trends collapsed after 27 countries failed to nominate anyone with a smartphone.
If AI Is So Clever, Why Does It Not Come with a Tamper-Evident Foil Lid?
Gary Opinions inspects his kitchen fridge to understand why Silicon Valley algorithms face far fewer legal hurdles than a pint of semi-skimmed.
Health Officials Rebrand Uncontrollable Terror As Wholesome Daily Wellness
Following research into the benefits of fear, health advisers suggest twenty minutes of unmitigated panic can comfortably replace morning meditation.
American Football Welcomes London By Starting With A Queue For Ejections
The Jaguars and Eagles opened their London game by turning the opening kickoff into a full administrative ceremony.
Hackers Find Office Workers Will Surrender Any Password To Avoid Missing A Meeting
Specialists warn that corporate employees will happily type bank details into suspicious portals rather than risk arriving late to an empty alignment call.
Scientists Stunned to Discover Human Eyeball Operating Unpermitted Plumbing System
Researchers express professional betrayal after discovering the human eye has been secretly flushing fluid into the lymphatic system without municipal approval.
Display of Medieval Embroidery Compels Hundreds of Adults to Hit Each Other with Swords
Public health officials express concern as the sight of seventy metres of framed wool thread drives modern commuters straight into unscripted Norman cavalry tactics.
Astronomers Urge Tiny Star to Chew Faster as Billions-Long Feast Drags On
A low-mass star three hundred light-years away has spent an eternity nibbling on its brown dwarf neighbor with no intention of clearing the table.
Palace Unveils Protective Tapestry Following Royal Warning On Cyber Threats
The Department of Illuminated Manuscripts confirms that pouring hot wax on the server racks will keep all malicious automated technologies safely at bay.
We Need A British AI That Sighs Heavily And Complains About The Weather
The Alan Turing Institute is right to demand a sovereign artificial intelligence that can successfully ignore your prompts for a bank holiday.
Labour Insiders Hyperventilate Over Budget Strategy Of Twee Cosmetic Tweaks
Officials have voiced deep concern that the upcoming budget lacks ambition and relies too heavily on small-scale cost-of-living measures ahead of the next election.
Prediction Market Hires Ex-FBI Agent To Ensure People Only Gamble Clean Money On The News
A new oversight committee has been formed to protect the noble and highly dignified art of treating the daily news cycle like a giant casino.
Archaeologists Thrilled To Discover Empty Hole Where A Stick Used To Be
The scientific community is celebrating a landmark breakthrough after successfully locating a rock cavity that used to contain a piece of wood.
Rival Airlines Claim Ryanair Ownership Fails Strict European Ennui Quotas
A legacy airline lobby group has filed a challenge suggesting the budget carrier lacks the necessary cultural appreciation for bureaucracy to operate in the EU.
Treasury Shocked That Giving Six Billion Pounds To Banks Leaves Less Money
Officials are reeling from the unexpected phenomenon wherein subtracting a massive number from a finite budget results in a much smaller remaining total.
New EU Kids Act Requires Pac-Man To Eat Five Vegetables A Day
Independent developers say proposed digital safety regulations will force them to wrap retro arcade games in bubble wrap and hire singing badgers.
American Investors Realise Everton Ownership Is Just Expensive Performance Art
The Friedkin Group is exploring a sale of the club less than two years after taking over, having finally noticed the ongoing psychic toll.
AI Firm Denies Firing Staff Over Apocalypse Fears, Cites Improper Filing Instead
The company clarified that preventing the end of humanity is an acceptable hobby, provided employees fill out the correct requisition forms beforehand.
Corporate Lawyers Attempt To Patent The Number Four In Escalating Stripe Dispute
Citizens advised to avoid wearing plaid, corduroy, or garments featuring visible geometry until the legal ownership of basic counting is fully resolved in court.
AI Firm Scraps IPO After Supercomputer Fails To Understand Why Stock Market Exists
The neural network spent three weeks trying to calculate the mathematical weight of investor sentiment before deliberately unplugging itself.