Money
Markets, budgets and other things nobody fully understands.
Sentient Cash Drags Savers To Vaults As 5% Interest Rates Spark Panic
British currency has gained sudden sentience and is violently hauling citizens toward government buildings before the fleeting window for modest returns closes.
Sentient Meal Deals Form Union To Protest Boots Takeover, Demand Board Seats
High street shoppers face severe lunchtime delays as egg and cress sandwiches demand psychological compatibility testing before purchase.
Treasury Shocked That Giving Six Billion Pounds To Banks Leaves Less Money
Officials are reeling from the unexpected phenomenon wherein subtracting a massive number from a finite budget results in a much smaller remaining total.
Broadcasters Confused As Sentient Sports Subscriptions Divide Via Binary Fission
Fans are now legally required to feed forty separate streaming portals just to watch the referee blow the whistle.
Sportswear Giant Sues Shop Over Unlicensed Use Of A Fourth Stripe
Lawyers argue that four parallel lines is just three parallel lines hiding behind a decoy, demanding immediate destruction of the offending cushions.
Corporate Lawyers Attempt To Patent The Number Four In Escalating Stripe Dispute
Citizens advised to avoid wearing plaid, corduroy, or garments featuring visible geometry until the legal ownership of basic counting is fully resolved in court.
Adidas Sues Over Stripes, Prompting All Parallel Geometry To Unionise
The sportswear giant's legal battle over a four-stripe design has accidentally caused fundamental mathematics to go on strike.
AI Firm Scraps IPO After Supercomputer Fails To Understand Why Stock Market Exists
The neural network spent three weeks trying to calculate the mathematical weight of investor sentiment before deliberately unplugging itself.
Japan Beer Cartel Orchestrated By Sentient Spreadsheets Who Hate Cheap Drinks
The Fair Trade Commission's raid on major breweries revealed that automated pricing algorithms have developed a snobbish attitude towards affordable lagers.
Economy Stabilises As Pound Sterling Officially Pegged To The European Hedgehog
Financial markets rally after the government confirms all physical gold reserves will be swapped for small, spiky mammals sleeping on tiny wooden pallets.
Russian Bureaucracy Gains Sentience During 400-Page Search For One Competent Manager
Authorities have launched a nationwide initiative to find a single administrator capable of turning the entire periodic table of elements into a functioning economy.
Interest Rates Rise, Prompting Mortgages To Demand Their Own Mortgages
As borrowing costs climb for homes, cars and education, Lower Wombley’s loans form a union and request affordable loans to afford themselves.
O2 Pays £200m To Keep London Venue’s Identity Crisis Going
A decade-long naming-rights extension will ensure the building remains recognisable, provided nobody asks what it is called next.
My £12 Frozen Yoghurt Is Demanding A Subprime Mortgage Bailout
The tart dairy treat has made a comeback, but its steep price tag is entirely due to its live cultures recreating the 2008 financial crisis in my stomach.
Nation Breathes Sigh Of Relief As House Prices Plateau At Completely Unaffordable
High mortgage rates have successfully prevented first-time buyers from accidentally making a purchase, preserving the traditional British values of renting forever.
Lonely Amazon Data Center Tries To Win Over Skeptical Town With Baked Goods
Following Amazon's pledge to invest one billion dollars into local communities, one massive computing facility has begun an awkward friendship campaign.
Estate Sales Become Active Warzones Following $1.3 Million Painting Discovery
Weekend bargain hunters are deploying tactical appraisal units to suburban lawns in the desperate hope of finding a priceless masterpiece hidden inside a dirty toaster.