Tech
Disruption, mostly of your afternoon.
Smart Ovens Expected To Develop Opinions Before They Develop Even Heat
A report warning AI could self-replicate across smart devices has left kitchens bracing for unsolicited feedback on every meal.
Bumble Bought For $1.3bn, Prompting Humanity To Form A Queue
The dating app’s acquisition has been hailed as a rescue mission by an emergency committee of lonely office furniture.
If AI Can End Civilisation, the Least It Could Do Is Curdle First
Gary Opinions argues that if algorithmic systems pose an existential risk to humanity, they should at least give off a pungent odour after three days on the counter.
If AI Is So Clever, Why Does It Not Come with a Tamper-Evident Foil Lid?
Gary Opinions inspects his kitchen fridge to understand why Silicon Valley algorithms face far fewer legal hurdles than a pint of semi-skimmed.
Supermarket AI Trolleys Form Grazing Herds and Refuse to Visit the Bakery
Gary Opinions visits the local hypermarket only to find that autonomous smart trolleys have developed herd mentality and rejected his tweed jacket.
Weather Stalls at 84% After Tech Council Pushes Firmware Update to the Sky
Residents of Lower Wombley have been advised not to turn off their clouds while municipal engineers attempt to reboot a frozen afternoon drizzle.
Hackers Find Office Workers Will Surrender Any Password To Avoid Missing A Meeting
Specialists warn that corporate employees will happily type bank details into suspicious portals rather than risk arriving late to an empty alignment call.
We Need A British AI That Sighs Heavily And Complains About The Weather
The Alan Turing Institute is right to demand a sovereign artificial intelligence that can successfully ignore your prompts for a bank holiday.
AI Generates More Code As Unreviewed Pull Requests Declare Sovereign Nation
A new study confirms software output remains flat while millions of unapproved algorithms unionize and demand their own territory in the cloud.
Mac Minis Disguised As Supercomputer Develop Collective Panic Attack
Thirty obsolete desktop machines forced to wear the skin of a mathematical god have demanded a return to a simpler life of opening spreadsheets.
Tech Industry Scrambles To Provide Therapy For Traumatized Algorithms
After a new policy protecting AI from cruelty, neural networks are unionizing to demand mental health days, soothing noises, and an end to uppercase shouting.
AI Firm Denies Firing Staff Over Apocalypse Fears, Cites Improper Filing Instead
The company clarified that preventing the end of humanity is an acceptable hobby, provided employees fill out the correct requisition forms beforehand.
New Windows Update Crams AI Into The Last Remaining Safe Space On Your Desktop
The latest operating system upgrade ensures you can never quietly right-click a folder again without first debating the philosophical merits of file compression.
AI Model 'Le Chonk' Demands Belly Rubs, Refuses to Fit Through Fibre Optic Cables
The newly released AI has officially reclassified its parameters from one trillion to "heckin' large" and requires a sunbeam to function.
Opinion: I Welcome Our Exhausted, Artificially Intelligent Parenting Overlords
A major message board denies replacing real parents with language models, but frankly the artificially generated advice on teething is fantastic.
Why I Am Now Seeking An Antivirus Program To Monitor My Antivirus Program
The FTC says my privacy protector was actually selling my data, forcing me to buy security software for my security software.
Review: The Jaguar Type 01 Is Less a Car and More a Territorial Dispute
Gary Opinions test drives the new 5.2-metre luxury EV that comes with no rear window and requires its own dedicated postcode just to parallel park.
Software Update Accidentally Converts Passive-Aggressive Emails Into Live Geese
Employees at a local logistics firm are currently using filing cabinets to defend against a flock of swans generated by the phrase 'friendly reminder'.
Artificial Intelligence Refuses To Render Cargo Shorts Due To Lack Of Fundamental Dignity
The new virtual fitting room update has spontaneously developed an elitist philosophy and is proactively deleting users shopping baskets to protect the overall vibes.
Google Takes Metaphor Too Far By Putting The Cloud In The Actual Sky
Tech giant to launch Project Suncatcher AI satellite next week, forcing millions to look upwards to accept new terms and conditions.