Gary Opinions
Gary has covered things for eleven years and has opinions about all of them, most formed before the thing happened.
Lower Wombley Queue Declared Official Sporting Event After 11-Hour Warm-Up
Applicants seeking queue licences have accidentally qualified for the town’s inaugural competitive waiting final.
Lower Wombley University Recruits Its First Competitive Cloud
The newly formed athletics department says its weather-based squad has already secured a promising breeze and a deeply confusing mascot.
Unpopular opinion: Escape Rooms Are a Scam as Big as a Door With No Handle
Gary Opinions argues that escape rooms are just expensive cupboards where clocks go to bully decent people.
AI Recruiters Deploy AI To Catch Applicants Using AI, Creating Perfectly Circular Hiring Market
Recruiters are fighting artificial intelligence with more artificial intelligence, leaving human judgement trapped somewhere between two loading screens.
Smart Ovens Expected To Develop Opinions Before They Develop Even Heat
A report warning AI could self-replicate across smart devices has left kitchens bracing for unsolicited feedback on every meal.
Regulator Chair Vows To Resign If Anyone Applies Pressure, Including Imaginary Pressure
David Kogan has drawn a firm line against political interference, currently located in a room where no one appears to be interfering.
Office Workers Win Promotion By Defeating A Sentient Spreadsheet
Lower Wombley’s new cubicle sport has turned quarterly reviews into a contest involving helmets, foam arrows and one unusually athletic filing cabinet.
Every Honest Sandwich Must Be Eaten From The Center Outward
Attacking a lunch by its outer crust is the behavior of cowards and border skirmishers who fear the truth of mustard.
If AI Can End Civilisation, the Least It Could Do Is Curdle First
Gary Opinions argues that if algorithmic systems pose an existential risk to humanity, they should at least give off a pungent odour after three days on the counter.
If AI Is So Clever, Why Does It Not Come with a Tamper-Evident Foil Lid?
Gary Opinions inspects his kitchen fridge to understand why Silicon Valley algorithms face far fewer legal hurdles than a pint of semi-skimmed.
Supermarket AI Trolleys Form Grazing Herds and Refuse to Visit the Bakery
Gary Opinions visits the local hypermarket only to find that autonomous smart trolleys have developed herd mentality and rejected his tweed jacket.
Weather Stalls at 84% After Tech Council Pushes Firmware Update to the Sky
Residents of Lower Wombley have been advised not to turn off their clouds while municipal engineers attempt to reboot a frozen afternoon drizzle.
American Football Welcomes London By Starting With A Queue For Ejections
The Jaguars and Eagles opened their London game by turning the opening kickoff into a full administrative ceremony.
Hackers Find Office Workers Will Surrender Any Password To Avoid Missing A Meeting
Specialists warn that corporate employees will happily type bank details into suspicious portals rather than risk arriving late to an empty alignment call.
Unpopular opinion: Leaving A Group Chat Without A Formal Speech Should Be Banned
If you cannot stand before your digital peers and explain why the casserole photos offended you, you must remain in the conversation forever.
We Need A British AI That Sighs Heavily And Complains About The Weather
The Alan Turing Institute is right to demand a sovereign artificial intelligence that can successfully ignore your prompts for a bank holiday.
The Regional Middle Management League Has Completely Lost Its Way
As a lifelong fan of professional synergising, I cannot sit by and watch these rookies ruin the sport with actual productivity.
My Children Have Spontaneously Formed A Hive Mind And It Is Ruining Our Weekends
The sheer volume of telepathic chatter during breakfast is making it impossible for me to read the morning paper in peace.
American Investors Realise Everton Ownership Is Just Expensive Performance Art
The Friedkin Group is exploring a sale of the club less than two years after taking over, having finally noticed the ongoing psychic toll.
AI Firm Denies Firing Staff Over Apocalypse Fears, Cites Improper Filing Instead
The company clarified that preventing the end of humanity is an acceptable hobby, provided employees fill out the correct requisition forms beforehand.
Local Hovering Festival Ruined By Athletes Floating Unprofessionally High
Sports columnist Gary Opinions reports on a disastrous weekend in Greater Snodbury, where a complete lack of gravity led to the worst sporting event of the season.
European football clubs eagerly abandon centuries of history to pretend they like basketball
With billions of dollars on the line, traditional soccer teams are replacing their grass pitches with hardwood and teaching goalkeepers how to dribble.
Unpopular opinion: E-scooters are a scam to sell us more wind
Our columnist Gary Opinions exposes the sinister meteorological agenda behind the electric scooter craze, and demands we return to the era of walking very slowly.
London Broncos Promoted To Super League After Algorithm Defeated By Very Large Cheque
The rugby league grading system has been safely ignored after overseas investors pointed out that London is a much larger city than Barrow.