Linda Sources
Linda has sources everywhere. Her sources have confirmed this. She cannot reveal them, mostly because they are her.
My Neighbours Have Declared War On Ordinary Doorbells
A personal account of the street's latest attempt to replace polite greetings with a fully regulated system of ceremonial foghorns.
Driving Test Queue Declares Independence After Waiting Time Falls To 19.7 Weeks
Officials hailed a historic improvement before the queue formed a government, appointed a minister and demanded its own parking space.
Britain’s China Policy Replaced By A Very Large Confused Panda
A report found a lack of expertise in Whitehall, prompting officials to outsource foreign policy to an animal that has never read a briefing.
400 Postal Workers Leave Weekly As Route System Applies For Parliament
A delivery experiment has become so confusing that the post now requires a constitutional settlement and three maps per envelope.
Delayed Train Declared A National Treasure After Refusing To Leave Platform
Passengers welcomed their indefinitely delayed service as patriotic public property, despite it having no timetable, destination or visible driver.
Passengers Celebrate As Delayed Train Becomes Proudly Public Property
Rail nationalisation remains popular, even as delays and cancellations give passengers a fresh reason to inspect the timetable emotionally.
Government Reassures Nation Cyber Defences Will Fail, Deploys Polite AI to Delay Hackers
Ministers insist inevitable cyber breaches will be neutralised by unleashing thousands of well-mannered domestic algorithms to bore hostile malware into submission.
Local Tug-Of-War Club Accidentally Drags Neighbouring Parish Four Hundred Yards West
Emergency border talks opened after a contested weekend heave wedged a village duck pond into a municipal car park.
Government Insists Defence Pledges Completely Realistic If Someone Lends £35bn
Officials maintain the military budget is mathematically watertight, apart from the small remaining requirement to borrow thirty-five billion pounds before Tuesday.
Treasury Reclassifies Budget As High Fantasy Following Literary Review
Officials submit the autumn statement for the Booker Prize after experts describe the multi-billion-pound spending plan as an ambitious work of fiction.
Datacentres Discover They Can Now Lobby The Entire Concept Of Electricity
After political payments drew scrutiny, Australia’s data centres have reportedly formed a committee to negotiate directly with the laws of physics.
If My Neighbours Must Siphon the Street's Gravity, They Could at Least Warn the Postman
There is suburban boundary friction, and then there is having your morning toast drift toward the ceiling because Number 4 wanted denser hydrangeas.
Ministers Halve Lords Scrutiny Time By Firing Voting Bill Past Peers On A Conveyor Belt
After plans emerged to compress parliamentary scrutiny, officials unveiled motorized bifocals and leaf blowers to keep debate on voting laws refreshingly brief.
Council Smashes Tree Target as Abandoned Saplings Form Trade Union
Officials insisted that keeping 885,000 twigs alive would distract municipal calculators from achieving total statistical forestry.
British Political Parties Swap Manifestos To Ensure Nobody Knows What Anyone Believes
Following conference votes on nuclear power and building insulation, Westminster has agreed to rotate all major party platforms on a fortnightly schedule.
Sentient Planning Documents Join Gwynedd Data Centre Protest To Oppose Ugly Architecture
Hundreds of local residents and a pile of newly self-aware paperwork marched together against the proposed 101-acre facility.
Palace Unveils Protective Tapestry Following Royal Warning On Cyber Threats
The Department of Illuminated Manuscripts confirms that pouring hot wax on the server racks will keep all malicious automated technologies safely at bay.
Labour Insiders Hyperventilate Over Budget Strategy Of Twee Cosmetic Tweaks
Officials have voiced deep concern that the upcoming budget lacks ambition and relies too heavily on small-scale cost-of-living measures ahead of the next election.
Unpopular Opinion: Step Counters Are A Scam As Big As The Shoelace Industry
I refuse to let a judgmental piece of plastic tell me when to stand up, especially when my sofa is offering zero resistance.
Sentient Non-Compete Clauses Weep Outside Office Windows, Demand Loyalty
As legislation targets restrictive contracts, ordinary office workers hope to finally escape the gelatinous blobs of legal jargon stalking them on their commute.
Voters Advised To Place Bets With Sentient Sorting Machines To Avoid Ballot Rejection
Citizens are being urged to physically postmark their mail-in ballots and wager on their delivery speed to appease newly conscious postal equipment.
Labour Celebrates Historic Victory After Stopping Sentient Safe Seat From Walking Away
Campaign volunteers were forced to deploy an emergency net and moderate fiscal rules to prevent the heavy leather armchair from joining a recycling cooperative.
Rail Regulator Solves Delays By Banning All Trains And Letting The Tracks Rest
In a major breakthrough for transport resilience, officials have realised that the only way to achieve perfect punctuality is to abandon the concept of travel entirely.
My Smart Appliances Have Unionised And I Am Locked Out Of The Kitchen
Modern technology was supposed to make life easier, but my toaster is demanding a pension plan and the fridge is on a sympathy strike.