Dr. Pat Hypothesis
Pat holds a doctorate from a university Pat would rather not name and has never once been wrong in a way that could be measured.
Clouds Appoint Drones As Middle Managers In Rainmaking Shake-Up
A cloud-seeding experiment over Homer used drones and silver iodide, proving that even weather now requires administrative oversight.
Scientists Confirm Mondays Are 14% Longer Than Other Days
The study, which took several Mondays to complete, found the extra time is “mostly spent in the morning.”
Water Faces Existential Threat As Diet Drinks Prove Equally Good At Not Making Us Fat
After four billion years of resting on its laurels, the prehistoric beverage finally faces a serious competitor in the weight loss market.
Scientists Hoard Spare Hypotheses As Global Paper Rationing Plunges Campuses Into Chaos
Desperate researchers are trading laboratory equipment for black market publication slots after a strict two-thought monthly limit was imposed on new discoveries.
Researchers Hoard Paper Allowances As arXiv Introduces Strict Submission Rationing
With the popular preprint server capping submissions at two per month, desperate scientists are turning to the black market to secure their crucial November uploads.
Identity Fraud Unmasked: The Stick Insect Who Conned Scientists
A routine taxonomy audit has exposed a giant Australian stick insect's thirty-year campaign of administrative deception, alias creation, and aggressive tax evasion.
Correlation Is Causation if You Believe Hard Enough
Every time I write a column, it gets dark outside. I rest my case.
Geophysics Proves I Am Not Late, The Earth Is Simply Slow
New research confirms the planet's rotation fluctuates, providing a flawless excuse for missing all morning meetings.